Unyielding heart

The months following my friend's death were hard. I was in shock. I think the shock is finally starting to wear off, one year after the accident. Up until that point, I had experienced God's love in such tangible ways. He was ever present and teaching me and showing me his love. After the accident it was like God stopped talking. He just sat there - silently. All of you were praying for me, Michelle's family, and my family. I needed a big God. I needed divine intervention. And all he did was just sit there - not doing anything but waiting on me. Waiting on me to come to him. But I couldn't - he was engulfed in the middle of pain and grief. I was afraid to enter into it. So I did whatever I could to distract myself from the deepness of the pain. And I put God off. When I returned to him, I had a thousand questions. I wrestled him. I couldn't rest in him.

I wrote this poem three days before Michelle died. How much more true it was during the months following.

Unyielding Heart

Unyielding heart
that refuses to soften.
Self righteous pride
that will not be broken.
Angry spirit that has turned away.
A temper-tantrum flares ~
fists raise
feet stomp
voice swears
and time stops.

A love that awaits
a heart's reception.
Grace that cleanses
the sin and deception.
A Divine hand that
holds on tight.
Love pours out ~
Arms open wide
feet moving toward
voice that whispers
and time moves forward.

After all my wrestling, all my unanswered questions, I finally, in exhaustion, came back to the one truth I was taught way back in the nursery at church. The one thing that I can't question because he spent the last couple of years proving to me; God loves me.

And that's enough. In the end, that's enough for me.