Writing Me To Sleep

Once again I find myself awake at a time that I'd love to be sleeping. But that's not to be & I'm left waiting for my tylenol PM to kick in. So lucky you. I'm going to try writing myself to sleep. Most times I just tell myself a little story. Which never works. I love stories too much and I get more than one going at a time, which confuses a simple mind like mine. And I'm left more awake than ever. I decided to take a different course of action this time (which happens to be 1:25 am). I have no topic to write about - aren't you lucky? Now you can experience a bit of my meanderings.

Meanderings meandersings. Where does that lead me to next? Hmmmmm, I'm thinking of goose, of geese. Don't ask how I got there. But lets go with it. I once touched a geese like bird before at Kawanis Lake. It didn't like that. It came after me and made a funny noise. I think it was just showing off in front of it's friends. My brother once fell into Kawanis Lake. And then my mom jumped in after to save him.

Now he's all grown up with a family. He has a smart funny wife and 3 beautiful kids. And I get to visit with him now that he's in from Indiana for a couple days.

Indiana. Sorry Luke, but that is one very flat drive.

Flat. Okay let's not go there.

The beach. That's where I want to be. How awesome would it be if me and my hubby could have 2 weeks in Hawaii? Alone. Hey, let me dream okay? I'm trying to fall asleep! I've never been to Hawaii. The closest thing I've been to like that was the Bahamas for our honeymoon. And all I wanted to be in was Chincoteague! I know - that's just stupid. I deserve, I mean we deserve, a honeymoon NOW more than we did then! I mean, what did we ever do to earn time alone together? What did we go thru that needed time away for just us two? It's been just about 10 years now (I know, for my more seasoned readers, 10 years is nothin') and I'm about ready to throw a fit! A tantrum like a two year old! I WANT A VACATION ALONE WITH MY MAN FOR TWO WEEKS AND I WANT IT NOW!! AAhhhh, but that's not to be. I couldn't even get a camping weekend in October with my hubby due to natural interference (rain).

Was this writing myself to sleep supposed to get me depressed? Are you getting depressed? I sure hope not. How can I end this on a more positive note? Heaven. Oh, no not heaven. That'll lead me to what I must go throught to get there. Then that'll lead me to thoughts on my funeral. Which I have all planned out. Including music. All I need to do is put together a little picture movie of myself during my lifetime (this is not weird, don't you think that! I've got friends who are further along in this process than I am! Perfectly heathly friends, although a nutty) . I want people to bawl their eyes out. And laugh. And no wake. Do you hear that mom? Tell my man that he is not to lay my dead body out for all to look upon. And I want the flowers before I die not after.

Oh man - I've got to wake up to go to church in a couple of hours. This writing myself to sleep experiment is failing. And now I'm depressed! And stressed because I've just got to make it to church this week!

Christmas is not all fun and games, joy and merriment. For so many of us it may have a tinge of pain to it, in varying degrees. My thoughts have been with my loved ones who are struggling with heartache during this season and beyond. Please take comfort in Deb's blog post for today, 12/26, called homesick (http://discoversacredspace.blogspot.com).

Mary's Song

A week or so ago, I read this poem from Deb's blog (http://discoversacredspace.blogspot.com) by Luci Shaw. It is so beautiful, so I thought I'd post it here for you. Deb said to read over it it slowly to yourself, and then out loud. Pay attention to the words or phrases that move you, and maybe spend some time journaling your thoughts and feelings.

Blue homespun and the bend of my breast

keep warm this small hot naked star

fallen to my arms.

(Rest ...you who have had so far to come.)

Now nearness satisfies

the body of God sweetly.

Quiet he lies whose vigor hurled a universe.

He sleeps whose eyelids have not closed before.

His breath (so slight it seems no breath at all)

once ruffled the dark deeps

to sprout a world.

Charmed by doves' voices,

the whisper of straw, he dreams,

hearing no music from his other spheres.

Breath, mouth, ears, eyes

he is curtailed who overflowed all skies,

all years.

Older than eternity, now he is new.

Now native to earth as I am,

nailed to my poor planet,

caught that I might be free,

blind in my womb to know my darkness ended,

brought to this birth for me to be new-born,

and for him to see me mended

I must see him torn.

Luci Shaw

Ahhh, What The Heck

I've decided to keep this new background for now - I've spent too long last night in trying to change it. I don't want to have to go thru that anytime soon. But I like the idea of changing it every couple of months. And anyway, Flamingo said this was super cute - and I have to agree with her! Hopefully you won't miss Eloise too much friends, I know I didn't give you anytime to say goodbye to her. I apologize for the shock.

The Cow Had To Go

You know it as well as I - the cow had to go. I'm in the middle of trying to decide which new look I like. This will take a while I think because I'm an indecisive girl. I need to explore all my options and try them on as well. Bare with me.

Stiff Necked & Stubborn

I am beginning to realize that when I don't get my quiet time in with the Lord, not only do I miss out on any peace & rest he has to offer, and I get more agitated more easily, and I hold on to my need to control more tightly, but I also can't write! My mind becomes almost numb, I lose any kind of creative motivation, I become lazy, negative talk invades more easily, and it's easier to read what other people write than to just plain write myself. I almost posted a funny piece on flushing my money down the drain, literally. Who can claim that they flushed money down the toilet? I was even going to post a picture of the toilet (I'd clean it 1st), but then I thought that would kind of ruin my attempt at prettying up my blog with those Christmas pictures. It was a funny story though.

But today I finally bowed my head before my Maker & continued to read in Acts. Auggghhh. I should have skipped to the next chapter. In the part that I was reading, the newly established Church was selling their personal property (like land & homes & stuff), and giving the money to those who needed it. They felt no entitlement, no connection to their money & assets. They gave so freely & joyfully. This hit home hard. I am so far from that attitude right now! And isn't that really really bad due to the time of year that we're in? And I'm actually trying to teach my kids to be giving! I'm telling them that there are kids who don't have much, that we are so fortunate in what we have. I have been so frustrated with their attitude lately. And all along my Maker is looking lovingly at me, waiting for me to wake up & realize that my attitude is the same - I'm giving them no example! How can I expect them to give with a joyful spirit when they don't see me doing that? They are just little kids who live in their very small worlds where they don't see other people needing things, struggling to survive. I don't have the same excuse. So yes Lord, I see your point. And to tell you the truth, I'm struggling to do right here. It's my money, I need it! Okay, I'll give just a little. But 1st I need to get some clothes - I need clothes Lord!

See what He's working with here folks? Lord, I think you need to move on to a new lesson. This one's too tough. Can't you change my hubby in this area 1st? It'd be much easier for me. And that's what it's all about right? Me?

Thanks for being my spiritual journal today friends. I needed to get that out - now I can go pick up Noel & shop using our Christmas money. I don't want to hear it Lord! I'll throw some money in the pot this time - will that satisfy you? Will it satisfy me? I don't know Lord, but lets try it okay? Auugghhh, you really take the spirit out of Christmas. How am I going to have fun now?

Just A Little Prettiness

Just Put Me In The Nursing Home & Be Done With It!

So in previous posts I've explored the possibility that I was going crazy and then concluded that yes, indeed I was a wee bit crazy (thanks to Flamingo for the confirmation). I must revisit this issue for there is a new symptom readers.

I've not been blessed with cat-like reflexes, a fact that my hubby likes to expose cruelly for a good laugh. I have a tendency to crack my head into things, miscalculate the distance between my head & some hard object while forgetting to take into consideration the cone shape skull that I possess, thus not allowing enough room for clearance. But things are getting worse, believe it or not.

The other day I was working diligently on my computer while my daughter was being entertained by a movie. It was a peaceful time. I was getting a lot accomplished. Then too many things started to happen all at once (actually, it was only two things, but in my inferior condition as of late - two is too many!). I got a call from Speedracer Sista while at the same time my little monkey needed help with the TV. After I get back from helping the monkey (remember, I'm still on the phone), I go to sit down in my office chair. It was my intention to sit successfully. That's not quite what happened though. Poor Sista, she was in the middle of talking when all of a sudden the phone's (my phone) flying through the air, the chair is flying across the carpet, & I'm in a sprawled out wonder convulsing under fits of tearful laughter on the hard floor. Apparently, and I can't be too sure - things are still a bit fuzzy, I either miscalculated the distance from my posterior end to the middle of the chair, or I miscalculated the size of my posterior end. But anyway, I only made a connection, a tenuous one at that, with the edge of the chair & everything went chaotic from that point on. I must have been flouncing forcefully too because I took a hard hit. So after I apologized to Sista for the explitive that flew out of my mouth during the milay, I took note of any injuries. The following few days my ankle, hips, shoulder, and neck felt out of whack & tender. I have a beautiful bruise on my foot.

So, let's add this up. Slowness of reflex, slowness of mind, the tendency to fall, & the frailty of my body. You know what's next readers, I know you do. I may as well face it. Incontinence. Yep, at this rate I'll be sporting Depends by next week. Just put me in the nursing home and be done with it. Sistas? Are you ready? You have to go too. All for one & one for all - right?

Waiting For The Streams

I started reading the 1st couple of entries in my spiritual jounal (from about 2 years ago) & realized that nothing much has changed. The issues that plagued me then are still plaguing me now, and I'm not sure I've grown any at all. All I can claim with confidence is that I've experienced God's love in personal, close ways & that my love for him has deepened in such a way that I can say I'm "falling in love" with him. Which is an answer to an old prayer. But I haven't overcome the same old issues. They're still here. I'm still failing. I'm still struggling. I haven't seen much improvement within my character. I'm still struggling with anger. I still can't seem to love the way I really want to. In a previous post somewhere I wrote that I now realize how crucial it was for me to step out of any kind of service & ministry. To stay home & focus on the family. This was a very tough decision to make last year beause I loved leading a growth group, loved studying & discussing stuff with other women, and I felt like I was good at what I was doing. Now I'm home. And I'm not good at what I'm doing. From deep cleaning to loving with mercy & compassion, it's a big mess! I thought I'd focus on outreaching the women at the kid's school - God's slowly shaking his head with a smile on his face. Not yet. Not yet. You've got work to do at home.



Isaiah 43:18 &19 (from the Message)


"Forget about what's happened;
don't keep going over old history.
Be alert, be present. I'm about to do
something brand-new.
It's bursting out! Don't you see it?
There it is! I'm making a road through the
desert,
rivers in the badlands."


So that's what I'm expecting God to do. That's what I'm waiting for. Rivers in the badlands, streams in the desert. An Eden out of the wasteland. So I'm going to stay home (Lord, don't make me get a job!) & focus on that. Being alert & present. Because Satan is in the guilt that paralizes. And God's got bigger things for me.

Isaiah 43:19

See, I am doing a new thing!

Now it springs up; do you not

perceive it?

I am making a way in the desert

and streams in the wasteland.

It's A Dejavu Thing - The whole "No Room At The Inn Thing

Most days I try to ignore how evil I am. I'm pretty good at that. But there are days when that fact just can't be ignored. Take for instance what I did. And how I took such gleeful (albeit evil) pleasure in it. Now, for all my readers (it's up to 4 or 5 now right?) who aren't as evil as I, prepare yourself to be horrified. But I know a few of you out there who have the same odd sense of humor that I do, who might understand why I chuckled inwardly over what I did.

We have a tradition at our house to start Christmas decorating the weekend after Thanksgiving, including tree finding, tree cutting, setting the thing up, and decorating it. My house looks great, if I do say so myself - and it looked great without the nativity scene too - but I'm a bit ahead of myself. (Do you sense that I'm trying to draw out a very short and somewhat uninteresting story? How perceptive.) So I got out my Carolers, my winter scene picture, my snowmen, even my santa clause guy with the cute little penguin. Everything came out except the manger & all it's contents, including baby Jesus. I just had no room for it. I didn't know where to put it - I had no surface area available. No room at the inn, so to speak. And once that thought struck me, I had to chuckle at the irony. And I chose to not put it up until last night because that irony gave me such pleasure! And I didn't get it out, decide where to stick it, and put it there, my little atheist daughter did!

Now, in the fear of losing readership again, let me explain a few things first.
1. My daughter isn't an atheist (I wouldn't allow that - I am a good mother), but she did once tell Ethan she didn't believe there is a God just to get under his skin.
2. Jesus doesn't reside in the manger anymore, he resides in my heart, has for a long time, and will remain there forever. I don't believe in setting up little idols over all over the house, and I'm trying to get rid of the idols in my heart. So, please don't believe that I'm making light of my Christian heritage. And also, I like a good Nativity scene - I'm not against them.
3. Noel chose to place the Nativity scene in a great spot - under the Tree! I wouldn't have thought to do that - since that's where the presents are supposed to go. I guess I can bump the presents to a new spot this year. For Jesus I can.

Deer Meat

Close your eyes and imagine this: The awesome aroma of ground beef and onions sizzling in the frying pan. Now change that aroma into a more gamey smell. Picture this: cutting into a thick piece of tender grilled steak. Now add more connective tissue to the image and a different consistancy to the meat.

It's not your regular, everyday, lovely cow meat I'm writing about anymore. It's not from Erma over there. It's deer meat. The result of a successful hunt. And I have a new freezer full of deer steak, deer tenderloins, deer ground beef, and hanging from my basement rafters are 16 sticks of deer bolonga. Add a wild, deskined, defeather, deorganed, huge turkey to the mix, and we are the typical redneck family. My towels smell like sweat bologna. I am not smiling. I am putting my game face on. Because I have just heard on the news that one deer can feed 200 people. I had to control the tears when I heard that bit of news because my hubby was in the same room. How disheartening! That means that I must eat 50 meals of this stuff. And I'm not a meat lover as it is. I eat it, enjoy it sometimes, but I don't need much. So, if you get invited to our house for a meal and feel a little suspicious of the meat, I apologize, but I really must get rid of it!

So I don't like meat much, I don't like fruit, I don't like vegetables. What do I eat? Artificial flavoring, hydroxinated vegetable oil, simple carbs, empty calories, salt, sugar, bleached flour, and fat. The top and bottom of the food pyramid. But just in case you are starting to get worried about my health, never fear - I now take a multivitamin - chewable of course - and every now and then a calcium suppliment. So I am good to go!

Thought For The Day - From Mercyme

We worship
with the sound
of broken shackles
falling
to
the
ground.
~Mercyme

I'm so tired, I want to write but my mind is shutting down. I need to take a nap, right now, so I won't be writing today. Except for this little ramble. But I do want to enlighten you on the next topic of discussion, which I'm very excited about - meat, why I'm not really a carnivor nor a vegetarian, nor do I eat fruit. And why I'm sick of deer. You can barely contain yourself, I can hear your excitement from my side of the computer. But you really must try to be patient, it's my naptime & if I don't get my naptime in all hell will break loose. Like they say, "ain't nobody happy if mama ain't happy."

I'm Thankful For...

...HOT BATHS AND SWEATPANTS, and a nice glass of wine.

A Wishing Or A Wooing? A Turkey Story - A Love Story

Thirty some minutes till Thanksgiving Day. I can't wait.

Thanksgiving used to be my most favorite holiday. It was centered on family, extended family, long stationwagon car rides to Ohio with 3 brothers and one drugged dog, rollerskating, the Turkey Bowl, church at Centerville Grace Brethren, the best Thanksgiving meals I've ever had with awesome Stove Top Stuffing, homemade rolls, tender turkey, sweet potato stuff that I never tried but heard was really really good, several different kind of pies, cookies, soda (or as in Ohio they call it "pop"), candy corn, card games that became way too competitive, and precious family time that I'll never forget.

Thanksgiving has changed for me in these past couple of years. Us cousins are mostly married, most of us have jobs, most of us have children. We're older, we can't sleep under the ping pong table anymore or play in the Turkey Bowl. I've been more of a referee than anything else, making sure my kids behave well & don't pee on the furnature. So we've stayed home these past couple of years. And it's been nice. But it hasn't been Ohio. And that's okay, because we all grow up & form our own traditions that best fit into our own family's lives.

I don't know where I was going with all of that because that has nothing to do with what I planned on writing about! But there you go, a little Smoker history. Call it a bonus. I'll call it a ramble. This is a story about a wooing, a gobble wooing. You may think it coincidence, or a silly stupid turkey. I'll call it a wooing from God. And only a hunter can appreciate this kind of
love! I think God's love is personalized to each one of us. And why not? Don't you think he's capable? Don't you think he wants to woo each one of us because he desires our uncompromised love in return? Do you believe in romance? Do you believe God, my God, is interested in romancing you? I believe it with all my heart. And I would love for you to believe it too. Here is one example out of so many from this year that I've seen God woo.

My dictionary definition for woo is "to seek the favor, affection, or love of, to seek or invite, to persuade."

We went to "the mountains" (upstate PA) a couple weekends ago so that my hunter hubby could hunt for turkey. So far this year his "luck" had been good with a buck kill on our own property early on in the archery season (see the October post). I am one who is more of a realist than optomist, so I wasn't expecting any action as far as turkey for dinner. In the past couple of years, turkey hunting for my hubby hasn't proven to be satisfactory. Nana, I, and the two monkeys were out taking a walk when we heard the shot. Nana, who is more redneck than she looks, saw the turkey take flight way out in the distance. We looked at eachother in wondermeant - could it be so? It just so happended that is was so! Now, that isn't the wooing part so much. My hubby and father-in-law claim that as they stepped out of the cabin to decide where to hunt, they heard a turkey gobble. To us urban ruralists, we say, "so what?" . But to a seasoned hunter, this makes all the difference in the world. Because you know that turkeys don't gobble in the Fall! I don't know why, don't ask me why, I'm not a redneck hunter - I only repeat what I've been told. So they had to decide if they should follow the sound of the gobble in hopes that it came from a turkey and not some stupid hunter who doesn't know that turkeys don't gobble in the Fall, or hunt at some other spot. They went in the direction of the gobble, and my hubby shot that stupid turkey that morning, almost right away. And he believes God helped him, and after the year of woo that I've had from my God, I must say that I can't disagree with my man. And why not? Just you tell me why not.

I don't claim to know God well, oh no, I'd never write that. I know better than to write that. I do know that he says in his word that our thoughts are not his thoughts, his ways are not our ways. Sometimes the things that are hard to take are the very things that draw us near to him. Just ask my speedracer sista, just ask me, just ask my parents. And we may never know the full reason behind it. Not on this side of heaven. And we won't care on the other side. But I challenge you to ask God to woo you. And you better pay attention. Because it is the sweetest thing you'll ever experience. He is in the details. You better believe it. He is in the details.

Random Thoughts From Acts

Lately I've been reading in Acts, it's one of my favorite books of the Bible. I've been taking it really slow, and not just because I only read my Bible once or twice a week, but because I really want to chew on some flavorful verses (picture my cow chewing it's cudd - that's me). Here are a few that God really highlighted for me:

Acts 3: 14 & 15

You disowned the Holy and Righteous One and asked that a murderer be released to you. You killed the author of life, but God raised him form the dead.

This stood out to me, I had to ask myself in what ways do I disown the Holy and Righteous One? And why do I run from him to be in the company of things that are harmful to me? Things that keep me from his intimacy are always destructive.

In the beginning of Chapter 3 Peter talks about the crippled beggar who sits by the temple gate called Beautiful. A gate called Beautiful. God invites us to his presence thru a gate called Beautiful.

A New Woman - The Blonde Brunette

This is for Flamingo who wanted a peek at my new due. Noel helped me take the pictures. Now, for all those men who are looking at this, I have to tell you that I am a married woman and I am not interested in you. I know you think you just fell in love with me, but there is no chance I'm leaving my man for you.

And no, I did not let my daughter spend all morning watching TV while I write not one, but 2 posts. She did take some pictures of me. And once followed me into the kitchen briefly before returning to Scooby Doo.

Thank you to my sis-in-law for always being a perfectionist - I appreciate it!

Yes, I Am Crazy!

I had the strangest dream last night or early this morning - and it's convinced me that yes, indeed I am crazy.

I was a teenager again, and it was the day we were leaving to Ohio for Thanksgiving. All of a sudden I notice a pin sized hole in my arm. I squeeze out a narrow piece of pencil lead. Hmmm, that's a little strange - but I can understand how that might get in there. I look inside again to make sure there's nothing else. But, you guessed it, there was something else - what could it be? I take the tippiest of the tips of my fingers and pull out... a jump rope. And not just any jump rope. This was old school, the kind public schools had that had plastic wrapped around the rope and made a cool slapping noise when it hit the ground every second. Hmmmm, where did that come from? My forearm had red streaks running down it. I showed it to my parents, who didn't seem to care, in fact they were a bit perturbed that I would want to go to the doctor's - aren't we about ready to leave for Ohio? Do I want to slow us down? I couldn't seem to convey the oddness of pulling a jump rope out of my arm - and I wanted to know how long it was in there!

My dream then turned into a weird camping dream with my family from Ohio.

It's time to take me home Lord. "Beam me up Scottie!"

I'm A Mess - But Am I Crazy?

Now, I know I've had blonde moments in the past, but nothing like these past several months! And thanks to my talented & skillful sister-in-law, I'm no longer blonde! I don't get it - what's wrong with me? Am I going crazy?

Today I took a tylenol allergy complete pill, and then I looked at the package. I took the nighttime medication - I'm going to conk out in about an hour! I've been double scheduling without realizing it, forgetting appointments, forgetting to call people (when I'm not trying to avoid calling people), forgetting school activities and dates... the list keeps tallying up. And on top of all that, I'm turning into a recluse! I was busy all day on Monday, and yesterday my talented and skillful sister-in-law cut & colored my hair - at my house - and I feel like I now need to hole myself up here at home for a couple more weeks. Target seems like 50 miles away instead of the 15 it more likely is and it is just too overwhelming for me to travel to. And I love spending time with my family during the holidays, but I get tired just thinking about it this year! Am I going crazy?

Now, don't go thinking I'm depressed! I don't believe that I'm suffering that, at least a more long term type. Every now & then I suffer from it, but it never lasts - thank goodness! My speed racer sista just called me & I ranted about this very situation & she gave me some hope - thank you speed racer sista! I don't think I'm crazy anymore, at least not anymore than normal. She said that she is a very analitical thinker and that she has to write eveything down in order for her to remember because she's too busy thinking & analizing whatever it is she's thinking and analizing about. And I realized that I too am a thinker (I can't shut myself up) and especially so these past several months. I also write everything down, I just forget to look at it.

Last Fall I felt that God was calling me to step out of leading a small group at church (for this Fall) to focus on my family and serving in my kids' school. That decision was not easy to come to, I kept questioning him - but I won't get into that in this post. And I now realize how crucial

that decision was. God's been really working with me in this area - I sometimes drag my feet with it - and it's taken up so much of my thoughts and time that I can't & don't even have a desire to do much else! He's really changed my comfort level in staying home. Normally I would need to get out of the house every couple of days. If I'm out that much now, I get overwhelmed and my fibromyalgia kicks in (thank you God for that little incentive - couldn't it have been something a little less painful?).

So if I haven't called you, or I forgot to meet you for lunch, just remember that I'm a mess right now! I'm not responsible for it - it's all God's fault! (I'm now haunched down & ducking my head just waiting for the lightning bolt! Just kidding. I'm sitting tall and ignoring the pinching pain in my shoulder.)

Behind The Dirty Curtain...

Behind the dirty curtain of our painful symptoms there is something great to be seen: the face of Him in whose image we are shaped.

-Henry Nouwen, The Wounded Healer

You Are Overwhelming

You Are Overwhelming

You are complexity
Perplexity
The Mighty God
The Man of Sorrows
The creator of all and everything
killed by the will of your created.
Resurrected
Neglected
Gracious, merciful, compassionate,
Holy, righteous, all-consuming,
Dignity brought low through our depravity
You are Judge, Lawyer, & Bondsman.
You are Father, Friend, & Guidance.
You do not worry. You will not fail.
You are delighted, You are Emmanuel.

Some Life Lessons My Brothers Taught Me

I have 3 awesome brothers. Each are totally different from eachother, each has taught me, mostly by example, many life lessons. Here are a few:

1. Where there's a will, there's a way.

2. Don't shoot shit, no matter how tempting it looks there on the forest floor. Just don't do it.
3. BB guns are handy in dealing with roudy neighbors at night.

4. I learned the correct way to punch & the tender spots in which to punch.

5. God makes some people's DNA in the shape of music notes.

6. There is a limit to my dad's patience - "Beware the fury of a patient man." stands true.

7. Never take the long way around, even if you have a full leg cast and there is 3 feet of snow to
wade thru - take the short cut.

8. Again, and I can't stress this enough, don't shoot poo.

9. Blowing up mailboxes with homemade pipebombs is illegal.

10. I learned how to make "the perfect" snowball.

11. Take the chance of being rejected - you just might get the part.

12. I have different anatomy parts.

Ahhh, there are so many more. But for now, I'll leave it at that. I just want to write that I love my brothers so much & they have made my kid life an adventure!

Holding On

I'm at this weird place right now. I'm stressed out and I can't put my finger on any particular reason. I think there are a few and I've begun exploring some with God in our quiet time this morning. It hasn't been fun. But he's been reassuring and loving thru it all. I've been reading Hosea chapter 2 a couple times. It's really intense. God is angry that Israel has once again forgotten him and "prostituted" herself off to other lovers. But the second half of the chapter he begins alluring her back to him. Wooing her, romancing her. And she responds. I have been wooed back so many times. And let me tell you, sometimes it is a painful wooing! I wrote this little poem over the summer this past year:

Holding On

My grip is slipping.

I'm letting go.

I turn my face

and look away.

You grip my wrist.

You won't let go.

Intently gazing,

Intensly praying.

And you wait for me to hold onto you again.

Well, I've let my grip loosen lately, but I'm tightening up now. And this is what he has shown me in Hosea 2:19-20

I will betroth you to me forever;

I will betroth you in righteousness

and justice,

in love and compassion,

I will betroth you in faithfulness,

and you will acknowledge the Lord.

Does that hit you like it hits me? What kind of God do I serve that would betroth me and love me and be faithful to me? I picture him and I getting married and this is his promise to me. This is his vow to us!

Thank you speed racer sista for the awesome picture!

Tag - I'm it

Thanks to Flamingo Mamma - I've been tagged. I'm not quite sure what this means, but I think I have to come up with 7 weird things about myself and then tag 7 other people. However, I can only tag 2! I thought coming up with 7 things was going to be hard, but then I got to thinking. And I couldn't stop thinking. I'm much weirder than I thought.

1. Unlike those complaining, unappreciative Israelites, I would love to live on manna from heaven. I'm a carbaholic & I love bland things. Just send me down some red wine to go with it & I'm good to go!

2. This admission scares even me, but I love sci-fi movies. I love all the Alien movies, Predetor movies, and Alien vs Predetor was a stroke of genius. I love Star Wars, Star Trek & Star Trek The Next Generation. There, it's out. I can now sleep at night.

3. My great grandfather on my mom's side was a bootlegger in the southeastern mountains of Tennessee while his aunt made moonshine. My greatgrandfather on my dad's side was amish, but eventually left the amish community. I also have cherokee blood in me somewhere. I think the only cherokee thing about me is my nose.

4. I started playing the guitar in Vermont around 22 years go. I love classical guitar, that's the only style I know how to play but I would love to play all kinds of ways. I think it would be so awesome to play in U2's band! Unfortunately, my hands are too small to be any good. Classical guitar necks are wider than electric or normal acoustic guitars.

5. My dad, brothers, & I made an actual igloo one winter in Vermont. The image you have in your head of igloos is exactly what we built. It lasted into Spring.

6. I am claustophobic (sp?), so it scared me to death to go into the igloo, but I did it anyway. I don't even like to kiss my husband because it closes off much of the fresh air supply due to the close proximity of our heads.

7. I think I might suffer from a mild case of fibromyalgia (sp?) because sometimes, especially in the evenings, my body feels like it's black and blue all over. If I run my hand down my arms, legs, or ribcage, it hurts like someone punched me a couple days ago - and no, there is no abuse in my family!

Well, that's 7. And so now I've got to tag a couple people. But I don't know how to do that, so I'll just name them. I'm new to the blogging world so I don't have too many blogger friends yet.

1. Dawn
2. Gretchen

Holy Chatter vs Human Chatter

I thought it would be fun (for me, if not for you) to travel down memory lane & remember some of the things the Lord has either promised, questioned, or just plain talked with me about. Then, I think I'll write down some of my questions, complaints, & pleadings I had with him over the past couple of years. This should be very interesting!

God's Chatter:

Even when the storm comes in between us & you can't see me, I'll never let go of your hand.

You belong to me.

Trust this, you'll know from the Holy Spirit when you can't.

You need to get out. I'll be waiting there.

Forgive her.

Happy birthday Emily, I am so glad I created you! (I was in church singing to the Lord, totally focused on Him
when out of nowhere I hear this from Him. It was like the
person sitting next to me just interupted my worship by
talking to me - except it was the Lord! I was blown away.)

You stink when you smell fake. (sometimes he isn't very elloquent - but it's exactly how I needed to hear it.)

I'm waiting for you.

I love my creation in you.

What is your motivation?

Just do it, try it.

Don't you just want to "be" with me, without having to worry if it's following a "correct" set of ways?

I created emotion - it's not bad!

What's the whole point in me creating you?

My Chatter:

Kick him in the ass Lord.

What's it going to take Lord?

Can I trust you?

How will this affect me?

I need, I'm expecting your divine intervention.

Just get her pregnant Lord!

How involved in this are you?

Did you cause this to happen?

...And, if you've a mind to, can I have some Fall decor'?

I love you. (surprisingly, I hardly ever tell him this)

You are my God. You are my God.

This has gone beyond belief to experience. Thank you.

That's it for now, but you should be inside my head sometimes! If God hasn't struck me down yet for lack of holiness & tact, well, then there's hope for all of us. We can be real with him & that's exactly how he wants it.

Excitement In Stump Woods

My husband is a hunter. We have about 4 acres, mostly wooded, to our property. Every year Jason dresses like Elmer Fudd and sets himself up in a tree-stand to be one with nature and kill a deer if one happens to walk by. Archery is very difficult. Not only do you have to be at the right place at the right time, but the unfortunate deer has to position himself much closer to his preditor. This increases the chance that a successful deadly shot will take down the deer without it just wounding or grazing the animal. Jason has hunted our woods for 4 years now & has not attained his prize, until this year! I have decided to not include his trophy pictures in this post for the ones who have a sensitive disposition towards deer - but let me tell you that my man is one very proud hunter! To be able to hunt on one's own property and provide meat for the family from one's own property must be very fulfilling for some people. Ethan, my son, can't wait to go hunting. I asked him on that exciting evening if he would be able to look a deer in the eyes and kill it. He did not hesitate in giving me the affirmative. Noel, my princess warrior, chimed in with her yearly request, "Daddy, next time get a baby deer." She has a twisted mind at times. I guess she just wants to be up close & personal to a baby deer, she's not picky - whether it's alive or dead it makes no difference to her. I must admit that I too have a strange desire to kill a groundhog. The bigger & fatter the better! It takes me back to the days at Show-Biz Pizza with the wac-a-mole game. I love that wac-a-mole game, it would be a great stress reliever in these times! I did manage to run over a groundhog this summer while I was driving, but it didn't give me the same feeling that clubing one did all those years ago.

Anyway, we will soon have a freezer full of deer meat and bolonga. Does anyone want a stick of deer bolonga? We'll have 15 sticks! Last year we got 10 sticks and we are finally finishing up the last one.

Happy Hunting!

Curious

Hey, I'm curious ~ who else thought head lice looked like white rice?

Sailing On A Ship

Here are the words to a beautiful song by Phil Wickham. I think it identifies fairly well our journey with & to the Lord. Have you ever read Pilgrim's Progress? I haven't, but I read Little Pilgrim's Progress with my dad when I was a kid & am currently reading it with my kids. This song reminds me of Little Christain's journey to the Celestrial City.

Sailing On A Ship

A Voice is on the wind.
It calls me further in.
I'm heading deeper into Your heart.
Your mark is on my chest.
My sails filled with your breath.
You guide me by the light of the stars.



I'm sailing on a ship that's bound for life.
I wrestle with the wind against the tide.
I leave it all behind to reach for more.
I'm sailing on to Your golden shore.



Though skies go blue to grey
And I'm thrown from wave to wave
You still will hear these lungs singing hard.
With every storm I face
I find a greater grace
That pulls me deeper into our heart.



I'm sailing on a ship that's bound for life.
I wrestle with the wind against the tide.
I leave it all behind to reach for more.


I'm sailing on
To where the water's running sweet and bright
The sun is rising in the eastern sky
I leave it all behind to reach for more
I'm sailing on to Your golden shore.

Where Would You Be?

Which game show/reality show best describes your life right now? Or which could you easily see yourself participating in? Leave me a comment - I'd love to find out!

A. Survivor
B. The Nanny (do you need one or would you be one?)
C. Wife Swap
D. The Amazing Race
E. American Idol
F. The Bachelor/Bachelorette
G. Other

I would like to be involved in the Amazing Race, not to join the race, but to determine where the contestants go and what they will be doing there. That would be a blast! But Survivor best describes my life right now ~ my family is trying to survive passing eachother's colds around.

Cold Camping

I would have sat in the fire had I not been afraid of the consequenses. But it turned out to be a wonderful weekend. The kids went trick or treating, tried to beat Obama in the contest, played football, swang on an oversized tire swing, and just plain enjoyed camping life. We went with our pop-up partners - our sister and brother-in-law, Sherri and Scott, with their kids, Colby & Coleton. We went to an itty bitty campground in Lancaster, and every now and then we could hear the clipclop of amish buggies on the road beside us. I never changed out of my longjohns & ski socks, and I added a hat & mittens when needed. Preparation is the name of the game when you go camping. And heat is a luxury you can't afford to be without. I attempted to add heat to my insides by drinking a lot of hot apple cider, a couple glasses of wine, soup, & pizza mountain pies.

So I survived the cold weekend, but added to my list of complaints are more zits to the gang that I already have and right eye conjunctivitis. The campfire smoke, although it tends to clear the sinuses by burning in new drainage passageways, isn't as helpful in other aspects.

Next week - Muddy Run. Jason & I are going camping just ourselves for the weekend. We haven't been away just ourselves in five years!

Halloweening While Camping ~ Costume Contest

This guy would have been awarded "coolest dude" costume if there were a pets catagory in the constest.

The campground had trick or treating ~ yummm, that'll help the cavities (see previous post)!

Take note of Headless's cute little horsey. Hmmmm, I appreciate the juxtapostion (of being scary with a little cuteness - what juxtapositon were you thinking of?).

How clever! He even transformed into a car!

How can my kids compete against Obama?

I'm sick and I'm 30

Well, I turned 30 this week, I have 3 more zits, and 3 cavities. I get those taken care of on halloween - my appointment will be 1 hr. & 20 minutes long. (for the cavities, not the zits) We are going camping this cold weekend - and 3 out of 4 of us are sick. So I'll be reporting on our weekend after I get home - if I'm not down with the flu. Or pneumonia.

Disclaimer

I've been meaning to write this disclaimer at the very beginning, but haven't. So here it is now - my Disclaimer:
Do not judge my spelling and grammer - I was never very good at that - and the time at the end of each post is wrong by about 4 hours - I don't know how to change that yet.

My sistas from another mista'

My family moved around a lot when I was a kid & I had to make new friends often. But God has always provided. These girls have been my friends now for around 8 years - and we've adopted eachother as sisters. We've been thru a lot and have helped eachother thru so many different kinds of challenges. I see us all in a nursing home together, rocking in our rockers (or sitting in our wheelchairs side by side) laughing histarically. I'll be the combative one!

Love For My Nana

She was at the end of her 85 years.
Her life like a sad country song.
Death kept at bay with the strength of her fear,
but hospice said it won't be long.

Cancer had wasted her body at the end.
But it had ravaged her heart long before.
Bitterness, loneliness, self pity - her friends,
which silenced the voice of her Lord.

Now, as her body disapears in her bed,
with all of her life she bows her frail head.
He's waited so long for her to invite him.
She opens her heart as He pours all His love in.

Confusion descends -
she's neither here nor she's there.
The angels attend,
and gives peace in the end.


My nana opened her heart up to the Lord only at the very end of her life. I can now see how merciful and loving, how patient and persistant our Lord is by her story. I went to visit her the morning after she crossed the line of faith. By that time her mind had started to go & she was seeing hallusinations (sp?). He let her live long enough for her to give her life over to him. Now she's a new creation. I can't wait to meet her in heaven.

Struggling

Do you ever find yourself really pissed off at Adam & Eve? Like, why'd they have to go and ruin a good thing? Why did they have to leave me an inheritance of sin? Now I can't enjoy God like I was supposed to! Instead I have to battle the "old man" and run this crappy race, or at least army crawl, when I could be enjoying a peaceful beautiful stroll with Jesus in the Garden.

But in all reality, I can't blame Adam & Eve (but I really really want to) because I know that if they hadn't sinned, and everyone from them to me hadn't sinned, it would have been me who would have ruined it for everybody. But I am soooo tired of running the race at times. I am tired of messing up, tired of hurting people, tired of responsibility.

Doesn't it figure that after such a wonderful beach trip, in which I was rejuvinated spiritually, that one week later I'm struggling spiritually? Am I such an immature christian as that? That my peaks and valleys are so damn close together? I don't have a death wish, but it's times like this where I want to just go home.

But this too shall pass. And I'm reminded that I need to meet Jesus at our spot. That His burden is light and He gives peace beyond understanding. But I say, "Lord, your burden is light - but this monkey on my back weighs a ton!" And He responds, "Well hand it over you silly thing ~ I've been waiting. You're the one who keeps yanking it back!"

Beach Trip Pics

Back To The Basics Girls Beach Blast Trip - Continued

The lady in the GPS didn't take into concideration the numerous "no left turn" signs and all the road construction. We unintentionally crashed a funeral by pulling into the funeral home (in hopes of turning around). Unfortunately for us, the home was busy that day & 2 dark-suited somber looking men waved us in, trying to direct us. We instantly recongnized our error & started to giggle uncomfortably, then chuckle, then, as we ducked our heads, laughed while tears flowed down our faces. At least we had tears. We got out of there as fast as possible without looking too suspicious.

The beach was beautiful, the food was great, and we had such a wonderful time! We played the therapy game - (by the way, I'm still upset I wasn't picked the most likely player to help an old lady across the street), shopped, walked, & took many cool pictures. Our trip home was only supposed to take 31/2 hours, but it ended up taking twice that long due to all the traffic, road construction, the lady in the GPS, an off road potty break (remember the "no dumping" sign sisters?), and an accident. But I must say ~ it was still really fun!

The Back To The Basics Girls Beach Blast Trip

So us sisters took a trip to Long Beach Island, NJ this past Saturday thru Sunday evening. Of course, when you get 4 girlfriends together on a little vacation it's bound to be exciting, surprising, relaxing, & hilarious! Just the trip to & from was full of adventure - I don't know what we'd do without the "lady in the GPS"! Obviously, she never navigated the streets of Jersey before - and we had a few choice words for her during that trip. "Calculate this!" "What what what lady!" She never really gave us much time to react before we had to swerve onto some new road or highway.

Oh, the monkey needs fed. I'll finish this later.

Releasing The Beast

So this past summer Noel's aunt bought her a rabbit. A couple weeks before the big day of picking out her rabbit, Noel came up with a name for it; Kisses. She couldn't wait to cuddle and take care of her very own rabbit, and finally the day came to go get Kisses. Her aunt, cousins, Nana, me, and her brother were all in attendance in picking out this blessed rabbit. We took the camera, because it was such a big day. So we arrived the pet shop and went straight to the rabbit/guinea pig area. Noel looked at each rabbit and pretty much picked out Kisses right away. We should have known how Kisses would turn out by the red flags we ignored, like the one neurotic rabbit in the corner who sneezed and twitched constantly. The biggest red flag was Kisses herself, she was of the Mini Rex variety. Now with a name like Mini Rex, why didn't we figure it out?

After just a couple months, yesterday we released the beast. It did not kiss, it did not cuddle. It growled and lunged and bit - oh my! (that last sentence is meant to be chanted to the Wizard Of Oz's lions & tigers & bears) It was a feisty creature - kinda reminded me of myself. But she was more like Hisses, and less like Kisses. So conviently we released her into Stump Woods. I just hope some wild animal doesn't drag her back to our driveway for us to find one morning.

Thought For The Day

I heard on the radio today that our brains stop developing at age 25.
I'm in big trouble.

Field of Sunflowers

Around my house there is a couple fields of sunflowers. This was the 1st year that the farmer planted them, and many who drove by slowed down to look. Some even stole a bunch (I am innocent)! Many pulled over to take pictures. I pulled over one rainy day & here's the result. I even wrote a silly little ramble poem:

I see a yellow field of yellow heads nodding on their green bodies.

Slowly everyday they spread their faces wider and wider, heavenward.

What a happy bunch they are,

waiting, waiting,

gazing at their creator,

expecting.

Nodding yellow faces

what are you so joyful about?

Unrest surrounds us all

and you act as if you don't notice.

You are captivated by the Son,

so focused is your gaze.

Trusting, Trusting.

A few weeks later the heads are drooping and they are looking quite sickly. Hmmmm, what does this mean? It means don't invent spiritual applications to sunflowers. And guess what? Their fate is that the seeds will be harvested to sell for birdseed. Oh, this just gets more and more morbid!

At The Heart Of It All

Fear of failure paralyses me. Coveting control is the driving force behind that fear. And at the heart of it all is my need for independence, my need to be God. And that takes me right back into the garden eating tha accursed apple - yet again. And I'm playing into Satan's hands.
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Could it be that the fear of failure is the result of a revolt against an intimate dependent relationship with my creator? Ouch.

My Calling - A Door To Door Saleman? Really Lord?

So for the past 2 years the Lord has been working on my heart concerning the unsaved, the heathen, the pagan, the rednecks... you get the idea. More pointedly, the women at the kid's elementary school - my fellow moms (or whoever else the Lord introduces me to). I have met very few of them as of yet - and I'm chomping at the bit! Yes, I believe the Lord is calling me to be an Evangelist! Now, since all of you know me, you are questioning my hearing ability concerning the Lord. After all, I am not zealous or charasmatic, or even nice alot of times. And according to Strength Finders, a book on finding your strengths (there's the rambling aspect of my blog - repeating the obvious), my best attribute is that I'm my own best company. I don't know whether to be pissed or proud! Strength Finders calls this Intellectual, which I predict if you were just drinking something you probably managed to spew it out of you nose at the thought of me being an Intellectual. Hey, let this girl dream. (By the way, Strength Finders is a really great book, I highly recommend it - I've found out so much about me & I'm currently trying to clone these strengths into my little me's. We'll be taking over Felton in no time.)

Anyway, (wow, that was a good ramble) I've been thinking that my definition of Evangelist and the Lord's definition are somewhat different. I envision Billy Graham rally's, or any of the Jehovah's witness guys going door to door. I wet my pants thinking of going door to door! But God's been telling me that for me, it's simply to develope relationships and with character & my words show His love for them. Now ya'll are probably thinging, "well duh!" It sometimes takes years for me to finally understand something. That's the natural blonde coming out in me, something which Strength Finders obviously didn't take into concideration.

So that's it for now girls! I've got to prepare my house for growth group invasion. And I've got to do laundry for the Back To The Basics Girl's Beach Blast Trip! Okay, so what if it is only overnight?

One Big Green Newbie Blogger

Okay, I have no idea what I'm doing - but full speed ahead! I will not stop writing till I have this posted. I tried writing this 1st post 3 different times previously, only to delete. In my first edition, I wrote that I feel like I'm being baptized before 1,oo0 people - I'm that nervous. In the 2nd edition, I tried to comfort myself by quoting what my friend wrote to me - it's not a big life commitment. But my hands still shook as I tried to come up with something to write! In the 3rd editon of the 1st post I didn't write anything but the title. So that's where I'm at now. It's 10pm and I'm getting desperate. And the autosave is driving me crazy - it's taunting me with blinking every now and then (like every minute - is that normal?), telling me to hurry up - it's losing interest.

So, if you are unfortunate enough to be blessed with the invite to view this blogsite, you already know more than you want to know about me. So why go over all that? I'm only going to go back and delete this 1st post after a few of you view this anyway, and I'll start over correctly. But this is my outlet, hense the title of the blogsite, if I did it correctly. I am a God wrestler, God pursuer, & God worshiper (damn you autosave!). And this is my place to question, hash, and be nutty.

I hope I didn't offend.