A Twist On The Thanksgiving Tradition

We used to drive 8 hrs. to Xenia, Ohio on Thanksgiving Day.  We'd get there around 4pm and wait for our Aunt, Uncle, and Cousins to come home from their Grandparents' house.  Then we'd stay up real late to talk and play card games.  Our favorite game was "scum" (hubby's family calls it by a swear word which I will not jot down here - I'm trying to clean up my blog).  And when we were really little us cousins would all sleep under the ping-pong table.  Friday evenings we would all go rollerskating.  And Saturday we would play in the "turkey-bowl", a football game made up of the uncles (in their younger years), us cousins, and some of the church youth group boys.  After the turkey bowl we would go back "home" to eat our Thanksgiving meal.  In the later years, as us girl cousins got older, we would shop on black Friday instead of playing football, and then we'd go "home" to help the aunts and Grandma make the big meal.  We'd all go to church the following Sunday and enjoy one last day together before traveling home on Monday.

It's been a few years since me, hubby, and the kiddos have been out to Ohio for Thanksgiving.  I miss my cousins.  They were my extended brothers and the sisters I never had.  This year they are all traveling in to Pennsylvania.  They arrive tomorrow - we'll have our big meal together at my Dad's church.  And they will stay the night.  Everyone is coming in because the family Matriarch has passed on, and we will celebrate her life together on Monday.

A Night Of Urine

Aren't ya glad I have no picture for this post?

It never fails.  The nights I desperately need sleep, (and actually find myself sleepy and my inner voice quiet), something happens in the middle of the night to ruin any chance of completing the sleep cycle.  Completing the sleep cycle is a must if you want to feel rested the next day.  I learned this in my psych. class 10 years ago.  You could sleep a total of 14 hrs, but if it's interrupted sleep you will not feel rested when you get up.

It was 2am when I looked at the clock.  Hubby was over in Little Miss' room where I heard hubby say something (it was too early - I can't remember what he said) to her and I knew he would need help.  Because she just peed the bed.  Oh goodness.  I was so sleepy and could have fallen back to sleep real easy.  But I went over, assessed the amount  of fluid (groan, it's a soaker), and hubby stripped the bed.  As I was soaking up the mattress with towel upon towel (and why is it that it falls to ME to clean up poop, pee, and vomit?), Little Miss was making her make-shift bed for the night in our bedroom. 

You'd think that was enough action to happen in the middle of the night.  But not at our house.  The dog, who I would love to murder, must have been inspired by Little Miss and decided to wiz on our bedroom carpet.  And for a bit of added irony, she decided to wiz right in front of our bathroom door - as if to say, "I just couldn't make it."  It's times like these that I could kick my dog to death.  But what did I do?  I allowed her to sleep in bed with us (Little Miss had to sleep on the floor), where she immediately fell asleep and snored the rest of the night.  Meanwhile my allergies kicked in and I was forced to take medicine.  Which knocked me out.  But my alarm rang all too soon and I was sluggish.  It was a rainy morning and I was late getting to work.  I was not in a kind mood.  I was furious at the amount of people living in the same county as I.  Who told them they could crowd the roads?  I bet they're from Maryland!  Dang those Marylanders.  They crowd the roads and drive up home prices.  Plus, they are very rude.  All the rude people in PA are either from Maryland or Jersey.  Why can't they just stay in their own state?  And they also are bringing in the drugs.  What a bunch of drug dealers.  It's because of them that we can't afford to buy houses and our children are turning into druggies.  And they are texting as they drive and causing all the accidents.  I'm glad I took 2 out with my Nitro.  But there's many more out there so keep focused friends.   

An Interview With The Pickster

Me: Why do you pick on EE?

Little Miss: I don't know.  Because he's always mean on me.

Me: Why do you think EE's mean to you?

Little Miss: Because he always hits me and punches me.

Me: Why does he do that?

Little Miss: He just gets angry with me.

Me: Why does he get angry with you?

Little Miss: Because I be mean to him.

Hope Rising

Thank you Speedracer Sista for waking up early one morning to capture this sunrise -
so beautiful.


I've been at a loss for written words when it has come to writing this particular post.  I've been wanting to write this for few weeks.  It finally dawned on me, after reading my friends' blogs this morning, (Wuxi's and Flamingo's) that my loss of words are due to the fact that I'm still in the mix of things - I don't have the beauty of perspective that only time and God can bring.  Yet.  But I can't wait for it.  I see God working in our lives, I've seen why some of the waiting has been a blessing, and I'm so deeply moved by His wisdom and love in my life that I want to share it with you.  But I really can't right now - not like I want.  So I'll write what I'm experiencing now, at this particular time, without all of God's answers, without the perspective that time will bring.  Because we know that His hand is at work - we just don't see the all of His masterpiece yet. 

Hubby is a tool and die maker. He, his dad, and his cousin own a small shop close by.  If you know anything about the tool and die trade, you know that it has been on the decline for a few years now, this particular year has been hardest hit.  Many shops have gone out of business.  The troubles with the auto industry has greatly impacted the amount of work our shop has - as well as all the out-sourcing to China.  For my hubby's family business to have stayed in business can only be explained by God's divine intervention and the wisdom of my father-in-law.  The insecurity over the past couple of years, especially this year, has caused hubby to consider other career options.  Last March he started to pursue a particular path, it is a long interview process with many tests and interviews, and much waiting in between each.  He is still in this very long process.  It has been one of the most stressful things he has ever gone through.  Match that up with his family business dying - his stress levels have reached new heights.  Add a grieving wife and family - and you've got a pot-load of hell. 

Watching him go through this hasn't been easy.  I desperately want to take away his stress - like he also wants to take away mine - but I know that only God can - if we decide to turn to Him.  Easy to write, to say, but our natural inclinations make it almost impossible.  And even when we turn to Him, He hasn't solved any problems.  He just says, "I love you", and, "wait". 

I started sending out applications last spring.  I wanted to get a job in a school district - that way I could be home with the kids.  But it is very hard getting a job in this job market.  I had a whole lot of competition!  And the fact that my "resume" was so simple because I never completed collage, I haven't worked in 10 years, and my employment references wouldn't even remember me, made it impossible for me to break into the school district.  Plus, I think budget costs played negatively in effect towards hiring any classroom aides. 

I sent out my "resumes" to medical offices as hubby pointed them out to me on Craig's list, but nothing ever came out of them - nobody would even call to talk to me.  I knew my best shot at getting a job would be to do what I've done before - be a nurse's aide.  I even have a friend who was very helpful in connecting me with her boss at the Visiting Angels.  But hubby had a few reservations about me working as an aide.  He didn't want me to get hurt in lifting the elderly clients.  So I didn't pursue it further. 

I got sick with what we think might have been the swine flu a few weeks back.  And in the middle of being sick I received a phone call from the podiatry office I sent my "resume" to.  The following week I felt good enough to hide most sick symptoms for a brief time - an interview length amount of time - and met with the office manager.  The very next day I met with the senior doctor.  But it wasn't till the following week that I received a call back from the office manager asking me to start that week.  Through all this, I felt God's peace.  Whether or not I was offered the job was besides the point.  That was just icing on the cake.  God paid me a compliment in bringing me this oppertunity to interview.  And it was also a promise, as if He was saying, "See?  I will make things happen.  But in my time.  So hold on to your seat."

Why He chose this particular office in this particular field - I've yet to see.  He knows I love learning about human anatomy and physiology and that I love helping to make people more comfortable.  I have a strong desire to live as His witness to the patients I help and the employees I work with.  Why did it take so long for Him to bring this job to me?  I'm sure there are a few answers to this question.  I'm not sure I would have been ready any sooner.  Emotionally anyway.  I still get teary eyed on my way to and from work.  And I had to hold the tears in while listening to an older patient express his sadness and loneliness after losing his wife. 

And there are details yet to be ironed out with this job as well.  But God knows that I'm counting on Him to take care of these details.  He got me the job, now He needs to make sure it all works out.  If hubby succeeds in obtaining the particular career he's testing for, I won't be able to count on him to get the kiddos off and on the bus.  Childcare will be an issue.  And I destest the thought of asking family for help.  This is not their problem, it's not what they chose.  Our choices shouldn't interfere with their schedules.  So maybe that's another reason why this waiting for each step for hubby is so long.  It gives me an oppertunity to settle into my job and time for a solution to present itself.  Perhaps my office manager will be flexible in my scheduling.  But who knows?

The months of darkness, of wrestling and questioning the Lord, are hopefully in the past.  Not that I don't miss Michelle, not that my grief has ended.  I miss her most when I'm around Dan and I can just imagine her comebacks and responses, her humor, her laughter.  Last Sunday I was at The Strand to see improv comedy with Jason and his family.  It was fun, but it was also painful.  That's something Michelle would have gotten a kick out of.  I could imagine her laugh.  My heart aches to hear her again.  To see her by Dan's side.  It's still so odd - that emptiness that she should fill.  One book on grieving is called, "The Empty Chair."  I love this title most.

In the past months, I didn't want to hear the word "hope" (click HERE to read my poem).  The verse in Romans that I've come to lean on 8 years ago, (Romans 5:5), had lost all meaning to me.  I no longer understood it.  Everything looked dark from where I was standing.  Our financial insecurity, our health, (remember my "mono"?), our grief - it was all consuming.  And hope was too obscure.

Hope is on the horizon.  It's starting to rise.  And woe is me who couldn't see it in the dark times.  My faith has been found wanting.  Which is why my heart is so full of graditude towards the Lord for loving me enough to test it, to refine it.  To bring me even more closer to Him.

The song by Mat Kearney called, Won't Back Down, is #1 on my playlist.  If you get a chance, please listen to it.  Here are the words:

You woke the morning up/ Running off the darkest night/ The longest fight I've seen// Here goes a chance I know/ Cashing in on all my chips/ Let all my ships come fly// These days, a little bit longer than the last/ And all of your ways, a little bit stronger than the past/ And your light, found my bottle in the night/ Kept me in this fight, gave me second life// And I won't back down/ I won't turn around and around/ And I won't back down/ Doesn't matter what comes crashing down/ I'm still gonna stand my solid ground// You found me once and for all/ I laid it down in the sinking ground/ The hopeless undertow// Singing out the gentle sound/ Rattling through my smoking screens/ My broken dreams last night// Hallelujah ripped through my veins/ I heard the hammer drop/ My blood in the rain/ Hallelujah came like a train/ When all is lost/ All is left to gain// Hallelujah

When all is lost, all is left to gain.  Hallelujah.

Thermostat STAT!

I can't sleep if I'm cold.  And sometimes, even with my grandma's afghan, socks, sweatpants, and sweatshirt (with hood up), I still get cold.  And I lay awake wondering when I'm going to fall asleep.  Last night was one of those nights.  Except I needed to get up early - to go to work - and my total hours of sleep, if I fell asleep right away, was 6 and a half hours.  Let me tell you now - I don't function well under 8.

So I decided to override hubby's thermostat setting.  I NEED SLEEP!  I'll pay for the extra cost in the heating bill - after all, I get paid now because I WORK.  (can you tell I like the sound of that?) 

Finally, I think I fell asleep.  But not for long.  Because I could hear my sleep minutes tick by and I was stressing out.  At one point during my random sleeping moments I was awakened by a hubby that could not get comfortable.  Then I realized there were beads of sweat dripping down my neck.  And if I was hot, than most certainly hubby was dying of dehydration from all the sweat pouring out of Him!  I was hoping he would turn the thermostat down, which of course he did.  And so I had about an hour or two of sleep last night - here and there.  And worked from 7:45am to 7ish pm.  On my feet just about the whole time. 

I never really had feet problems until I started working for a foot doctor.  You gotta love the irony.  Except I know what hideous and barberic solutions they have for various problems - so I will THINK TWICE before ever sitting in that large chair to be evaluated by one of the doctors.  And it will be a matter of last resort to be sure.  I'll take care of my OWN ingrown toenails thank you very much! 

"Hannamatizer"

"Hannamatizer hurts my blister.  It's used for getting off the germs."

Hannamatizer = hand sanitizer

The Family Matriarch

I got one of "those" calls tonight.  It was a call I knew was coming, a matter of weeks, months.  But it still hits hard when you get it. 


So again, I write with a heavy heart.  Again it's another late night and my hubby knows that I can't sleep, I've got to write.  Just thinking is not enough.  Thinking alone will drive me crazy, will keep me up for hours.  So I'll process it here, under public scrutiny.  Ignore the misspelled words, the bad grammer. 


The last time I saw my grandma was 2 summers ago.  We went out to Ohio to visit for a couple days.  She and I made a smoke sausage supper together.  And although she would forget what we just talked about every few minutes, her mind was still there with us, she knew who we were, she enjoyed having us with her.  That supper is one of the last visual memories I have of her.  It is so precious.


I would call her every few months.  We talked about hubby's job, camping, the kids, and her memories. 


I stopped calling her a handful of months ago.  She has become more and more a victim of dementia, although her mind fights it and she has moments of clarity where she sees her own digression.  What kind of hell must that be?  I am a wimp and a coward, I couldn't call her because I was afraid.


I can't fall asleep at night without the afghan she made me so many years ago.  She asked me what color I wanted it to be.  It had to be purple, just like my cousin Trish's.  Although Julie's pink one was sure pretty too.  But purple ruled it out and I still sleep with my afghan.  It's weightyness calms me.  I guess you could call it my security blanket. 


I have so many wonderful memories of my grandma.  Of playing in her yard as a kid, of eating her homemade yummy icecream, of her porch chairs, of watching HEEHAW with her on TV, of her applesauce and corn, of her pretty rings she always wore, her candy stash, the way she decorated her house, the kind of strong woman she was, of our conversations on the telephone. 


My dad called tonight and told me that the doctor thinks she might have a week to live.  And although this is not news that is shocking, death still stings. 


Yes, death stings.  I feel like we're all at war with it.  Death was never one of God's creations.  It was never supposed to happen this way.  The weight of our sin is greatest when death becomes personal.  And I hate it. 

Empty Cupboards & Tall Rollercoasters

Does anyone use that word anymore: cupboards?  Just wondering.  We've got empty ones.  Not really, but there's nothing good in them.  We've needed to go grocery shopping for a week now.  I can't remember the last time I cooked a real supper!  I've been so sick lately that I haven't had the energy to, and now that some of the energy is coming back, we have no ingredients! 

Life is getting interesting friends.  For so long we have been in this time of waiting.  It was quiet and simple.  But stressful and depressing too at times!  Now things are starting to get shaken up a little bit.  Much can change in the next couple of months.  But I think I'm ready for this change.  It's going to have stresses all of it's own though, I realize this.  But it's nice to know that our wait is starting to end and things are starting to get interesting.  It's like we were climbing a long tall rollercoaster hill and we've reached the top, we're about ready to take the dip to be pulled down on the ride of our lives. 

I can't wait to have a few years perspective on this time in our lives. 

Punching In

Just the act of punching in is a sign of the times.  First of all, it's done through the computer.  And then I have to put my index finger on a finger pad - it reads my print - and apparently I have a nice print.  Very distinct, uncorrupted by chemicals.  I told them that's because I rarely clean.  But I forgot to punch in until it was time to punch out.  I'm going to have a hard time remembering - I just want to jump into things! 

So far, I'm enjoying my job.  My first job in a decade.  I get to help old people - I love old people.  They are so entertaining!  I have realized in just the past two days of work that so many old people love to talk.  I wonder how I'll be?  Do non-talkers become talkers in old age?  I know this though: I have gorgeous feet.  I used to think they were hideous in their skeletal, overly long phalangal way.  Now my measements are fungus and calluses, ulcers and discoloration.  Which is all very facinating on other people.  In just two days I have seen many amazing things and learned so much.  And I think I can predict how my feet will look in 30 or 40 years (if I live that long).  And it's not pretty. 

I'm glad I'll have an oppertunity to ask one of the podiatrists about my middle toe.  It turns blue in hot water.  It's the only one that does.  What does that indicate?  And why the middle one?  I look down at it while sitting in the bathtub and it's like the thing's cursing me.  Could it be like that ring that turns colors according to mood?  Do I have a mood toe?  That would be so cool!

Some Very Exciting News!

Well, I guess I'm a workin' girl now!  Tomorrow I start as an assistant to a podiatry doctor - I can't wait!  It was so much fun shopping for scrubs this evening!  Scrubs sure have come a long way since I've needed to wear them last! 

And Hubby bagged a big buck last night on our own wooded property!  Who knew such large things are roaming our woods! 

I am very tired and still not over my cold - so this is going to be a short post tonight.  Thank you all for praying for my job interview!  I can't wait to share how my first days go.