The Last Time I Saw Someone

This is a writing prompt assignment for Pages:

I've said goodbye to many people over my almost 31 years of life. I've made many friends I'll never see again. Not necessarily because they've died, but because we've moved on through distance by miles or where we were at in our lives. I'm learning the value of deep relationships. And finding time for the ones you love.

I remember one of the first times I had to say goodbye to a friend due to the fact that my family was moving. Nathan, the boy next door, and I were about the same age. He had the coolest toys. One day he and Demon (oops, I mean Damon, who was not my friend), were out riding Nathan's Power Wheels Jeep. Oh, did I envy and covet that Jeep! I greatly desired to have a chance to drive it. But mean Nathan denied my request! I got angry. It didn't faze him.

"But I'm going to move!"

"So? I don't care."

"But you'll never see me anymore!"

"I don't care."

"You will care and you will miss me!"

They just drove away. I stalked back into my house. Boys!

I remember another goodbye. A sad goodbye, although a little less frustrating!

The day my Grandpa left for Ohio was the last time I'd ever see him. He had been struggling with Alzheimer's and Leukemia for a handful of years before my Grandma excepted the help of my Aunt and Uncle who live eight hours away in Xenia. The few weeks before they left I spent what time I could helping them with preparations, but mostly entertaining Grandpa. He didn't know he was moving and would have put up a big fuss if he found out. Grandpa and I spent much of that time sitting out on his back porch. He told me all about his tree he planted many years ago. His long-term memory was much better than his short-term. At that point, I'm not even sure he saw me as an adult, I think if he recognized me at all, he saw me as my little girl self. It was summertime and I was just a couple of weeks away from having my first baby. When Jason and I found out we were expecting, I knew we'd get some interesting reactions. First of all, we weren't trying to get pregnant. We were in our first year of marriage and I was just twentyone years old and half way through nursing school. Prepared as I was to shock a few people, I wasn't prepared for my Grandpa's reaction. When we told my Grandparents, Grandpa's eyes welled up with tears. He said he had been praying for this. Oh how I needed to hear that! What a special memory that is for me!

But Grandpa never got to see the great grandbaby he so wanted to hold.

We ate at Deny's the morning of the move. He was told they were just going for a scenic car ride. As they pulled away from the restaurant's parking lot, my eyes filled with tears. Somehow I knew I'd never see him again. He died two months after my son's birth, right before Christmas.

I've come to know what a gift it is to be able to have the time to hug and say goodbye to a loved one, to be able to spend time with a loved one before they leave, even while knowing you'll never see them again. The memories of the times spent with them are a real treasure to hold in one's heart.

Because we aren't always given that opportunity to say goodbye & hug one last time. We aren't always given that gift.

Dear Michelle,

I could close my eyes and fool myself into believing I'm sitting at the beach. The breeze is constant, the sun is blazing, the sand hot beneath my feet, and I can almost hear the breakers pounding on the beach, then rolling up to where I'm sitting.

But I'm not at the beach. I'm at your memorial. And it all seems so surreal. You shouldn't be dead. (Do you know how strange and awful it is to write that?) We should be barefoot together, sitting at the water's edge, watching the waves roll in. Your hubby surfing, my hubby bodysurfing. My kids taking a nap up at our towels (okay, now I'm really dreaming!). Couldn't we have done that one last time before you left? Oh how I wish we made more time for eachother. I am so sorry my friend. Where did time go?

And I didn't get to say goodbye to you. God called you to Himself before we could talk again, before we could hug goodbye. Why didn't He warn us? Why this harsh immediate disconnect?

I would have told you I love you and that you're my sweet friend. I would have thanked you for making Dan so happy and being such a wonderful wife to him. I would have told you how I loved hearing about all your adventures together, how in some ways I lived through your experiences. I would have told you how well I think of you. How smart you are, how hard working, how you choose your words before you say them. You have been an honorable friend, a loving friend, and what I remember most besides your smile is your laugh. You still laugh at me don't you? I can sense it at times.

So I ask you, why am I sitting here, at this memorial, for you? Aren't you supposed to be with Dan at little Hailee's birthday party? You left us with too many empty years ahead of us!

Do you realize how acidic tears can be?

But I don't mean to be angry. I'm not too angry with you. I'm a little more envious. You bypassed all this grief. I don't know what the hell God's doing. I can't figure Him or His ways out. And I'm sick of trying to anymore. His ways are not my ways, His thoughts are not my thoughts. You have a better grasp on Him than I do. You walk with Him, talk with Him, and He's the one who's experiencing your laugh now. Who would have thought you'd be there before any of us?

My friend, I am not ready to say goodbye. This is not a goodbye letter. I can't let you go yet. And I am not ready to thank God for taking you.

That time will come, but it's not here yet.

Until a better time then,
Emily

Waiting For The Storm

It's been two months and another tough weekend (is it only Friday?). I thought I'd feel your strength more, Lord. I thought I'd feel overwhelmed by your love. Isn't that what people are praying for? Don't you think you should answer them so that I can tell them I feel their prayers? But you're just sitting quietly over there. And I'm still in the waiting. Only now it's flavored with grief. My jaw aches from this tension, my heart feels heavy. My mind wanders to memories I try not to replay. Tears are close at hand.

I'm sitting on my front porch. Hubby & Little Miss are in the other chair. Do they realize that's where you're sitting too?

The air is changing. It's going to rain soon. The atmosphere has turned to a silvery metallic hue. Every so often the sky rumbles. All day the air was heavy with humidity. It's easing now.

But my heaviness is the cloak of grief which I can't ease off. And I wonder how long I must wear it.

The first few drops of rain fall to our leaves on the trees now. The pace picks up and our lawn soaks in the moisture. But it's inconsistent. It needs to down pour, the air is so heavy. This rain is a tease. I know there's so much more stored up, and it rumbles so.

Why won't it rain hard and be done with it?

The rain stops. But the sky is getting darker. I just asked Little Miss to put my flower pots on the porch steps. If it rains - I want my flowers to benefit.

Feeling Blah

I don't know when I'll write the next post. I'm in a "blah" time of life. Maybe it's because the kids are out of school and I have no comforting routine. That might be part of it. A small part. It might be because the weekend is coming up and for some strange reason, weekends are hard. My sadness bubbles up beginning on Thursdays, the height of it is Saturday evenings, and eases as Sunday closes. My Mondays are good. I look forward to Mondays.

Hopefully this blahness will pass quickly. I love writing posts on this blog - but lately I've been uninspired. (oh, that reminds me, my male hummingbird came back and is doing quite well - thanks for praying!) Perhaps I should watch a stupid movie and comment on it. I am planning on watching Rocky Balboa tonight. Oh no! It's on now! It's 7:58! I hardly have time to pour myself a glass of wine!

Goodnight friends! I'll write at least once a week - even if it's just to say, "Hello friends!"

Dazed And Confused

Okay, admit it, you thought I was the one who was dazed and confused. And I'll admit, most times you would be right. But not this time friends. My dark knight, (my male hummingbird), has almost committed suicide. Again. At least once a year my male hummingbird flies into my window. This time he hit so hard he couldn't get up right away. I ran out quickly to see how he fared - if he was successful this time - to find his poor little self on my porch floor, wing at an odd angle, wishing he could get up to get away from us (hubby, me, and Hurricane EE). I nearly cried. I didn't want him to be hurt, much less dead. Especially from an impact like that! I can sympathize with my dark knight - I hit my head and run into things all the time! That's partially the reason for my insanity. Anyway, the thing was able to fly to safety. I just hope he comes back!

Lookin' Forward To A Girl's Getaway!

We'll only be gone for one night, but I'm sure it's going to be full of fun and laughter! Each year my sistas from another mista and I go away for at least one night. In the past, we've taken other girls along. But we've learned our lesson. Too many women and things get bad. Like our trip from hell; the time we went to Williamsburg for the weekend. I think our first trip gave us a false sense of funness. We went to Canada to see the Falls. Our experience with the Adanacs are well documented, both by video, journalling, and pictures. We had a blast! That was the getaway from heaven. And so we thought, why not invite more friends the next time? Bad mistake. We have no documentation from that weekend, no journalling, no pictures. We have tried to block that weekend from our memories. Last October we decided to go on a beach trip, just for one night, and just the 4 of us. It was awesome! And we nearly didn't make it there, or make it home, because the lady in the gps isn't too familiar with the Jersey roads. We crashed a funeral. That's all I'll say. We crashed a funeral.

Tomorrow we'll be off to Lancaster, our closest vacation to home, where we'll shop till we drop and laugh, giggle, probably cry too because we're all a little insane. Don't worry hubbies, we'll be home for Father's Day.

Weekend Family Fun Con't.

This is a continuation of the previous post. I'm just sharing some pics. from this past weekend.

We had a campfire at out house on Saturday night. Towards the end of the night it started to rain. But we were protected under the umbrella of the trees. It was so wonderful sitting around the campfire under the trees while it rained. Then it started to thunder and lightning and everyone got scared and ran inside. I was so disapointed. I love a good storm, I could have stayed out there much longer.

Weekend Family Fun

This past weekend was full of family fun. And in my mind, not only is family family, but my friends are family as well. I can't get enough of everybody right now. I just want to hold on tight to everyone. And get pictures of everyone. So here are just a few pictures of this past weekend. Unfortunately, (for me, maybe not for you), I can't get a slideshow on here anymore! I don't know why! So I'm going to have to set these pictures out the old fashioned way. One by one.

During the summers we have Super Sunny Sundays at my sis-in-law's house. This past sunday we celebrated my nephew's 6th birthday.

In true teacher-like fashion, my sis-in-law put together a few games for the cousins. A relay race, a pop the shark race, and a scavenger hunt were amoung the few.

Summer Reads

If your looking for a light read this summer, check out Garden Spells by Sarah Addison Allen.

And, check out I Capture The Castle by Dodie Smith. This is a well written book - has my favorite kind of humor to it.

And of course, if you are wanting to see the movie, you must first read the book, My Sister's Keeper by Jodi Picoult. It's a very good book - I hope the movie is just as good.



So tell me friends, what are some good books your reading? I need to feed my drug habit.

Cutting Off Branches

Hubby borrowed this long pole with a very scarey blade at the end of it from his parents a couple days ago. It's used to saw down branches. Yesterday I watched him use the thing. He became hot and sweaty and tired. It was hard work. And the device would have been dangerous in the wrong hands - just imagine what would have happend had I been the one using it! Afterward the yard looked like a hurricane came through - kinda like the time when our squirrels were harvesting timber for goodness knows what!

Of course, this got me to thinking.

In John 15, Jesus talks about branches and vines and fruit and cutting stuff off and throwing stuff in the fire. He talks about remaining in Him, loving Him, bearing fruit, about joy and friendship. I'm going to spend some time in that chapter, to slowly chew on every verse. (Yeah yeah, I know I'm not done with Acts yet my friends - but can you blame me? I'm finding I don't really like Paul. I'm more of a Barnabas type gal myself.)

Anyway, my thought was, as I was watching hubby excert his energy yesterday - when God cuts off our branches, is that work for Him too? Is it painful for him to watch us go through the anguish of having our branches sawn off? When God works on our character, and He decides to allow us to go through pain in order to restore us to our intended dignity, does He bleed and sweat too? At first I replied to myself - "What? Are you crazy? He's God! Everything is easy for Him!" And then I thought some more. The cross wasn't easy for Him. He was beaten, stabbed, humiliated, and bore the heavy load of our depravity upon Himself. He died. For us. So yes, I believe that when God cuts our "unfruitful" branches away from the rest of the tree (which is me, you, and every other believer), in some sense it does pain Him. But He also sees the bigger picture (because He's the artist). He sees us whole and beautiful. So He also cuts away with joy, fully knowing the outcome. And when Jesus died on that tree, on that cross, He knew the joy that was to come. He was resurrected, He is now alive! Oh my God, my Lord is awesome! He has the story, our stories, all written down before any of it has happend. He is in control. Even though we do what we want to, and sometimes we even rebel, in the end He always brings us back to Himself. Sometimes the sawing and cutting is more painful than at other times because some unfruitful branches aren't just unfruitful, they are dangerous to the tree. So He cuts and He saws. And He cries with us, but He also is joyous too.

On One Hand ...

... (and in this case there are more than two), Lord, I can ease my mind out beyond my soul and view my life from a cerebral perspective. This tends to be an escape for me. The cerebral perspective a little less heavy, a little less messy, and a little more predictable than my heart's perspective - and even your perspective Lord.

I've been ignoring you Lord. Going cerebral on you. Perhaps this is becoming a pattern - the returning and retreating, the retreating and returning, as deeper we go through the grief. It's changing up on me, becoming more real as the realization that she's not here any more anchors itself further into my heart. And I'm missing her more and more. Her quiet laughter, the sound of her voice, her facial expressions - I haven't forgotten. But it hurts to remember. And I'm angry because you have her and we don't.


But that's on one hand.

FINALLY!

I've finally reached approximately 220 people who have checked this blog out. It was stuck at 210 for the longest time - I should know, I've checked out my profile more than anyone else. I can safely assume that only about 50 legitimate people have checked out my profile, the rest were me checking to see how many people were checking me out. It's pathetic, I know. But hey, 50 people checked out my profile - that's amazing! And on top of that, I have 12 friends on Facebook! I really don't know if I'm ready for all this popularity.

Questions And Curiosities

~ Does anyone else notice their birthdates on a digital clock from time to time?, example: 10:14? (yes, I accept personal checks).

~ Why do some dinners always smell better than they taste? It's a tease I tell you!

~ Why do some dinners smell good while cooking, taste good while eating, and then a few hours after, that same aroma turns my stomach and I get all green in the face?

~ Have you ever wondered if the colors I'm seeing are the same colors your seeing? Is your green my green? What if we're seeing totally different colors for the same things? This freaks me out.

~ Why is the skunk scent so appealing to me?

~ If I'm so tomboyish, why am I so weak and feeble? I must be a prettyboy.

~ Why is it that the best mother's day gift for me would be a day where I forgot I was a mother?

~ Are the angels horrified at me? I have a strange sense that they are every time I sit on the toilet.

~ If there is intelligent life on other planets, did Jesus have to die for them too? It's because of this very reason I can't believe in aliens. Except, when I was a kid, I actually thought I was an alien.

~ why am I so drawn to sci fi movies?

~ perhaps I am an alien, that would explain my cone shaped head.

~ Do you think God was proud or irritated that we took some of the pain out of childbirth with the introduction of epidurals? It was His curse afterall.

~ Do you think the first death in Eden, the first death ever, happened when God killed an animal to use it's fur for clothing to cover Adam and Eve's nakedness? Wouldn't that be an interesting mirror of the redemption story? I read this in a fictitious book called EVE, a very good book if you can get past a few things.

Well, I've got a load of laundry that needs to be folded - and I can't keep putting it through the dryer to get the wrinkles out. So enough of my dilly dallying around.

Rainy Day Pics

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A Blast From The Past

I'll show you this picture as long as you promise not to laugh. The year was 1993, Fun Day, at the end of our 8th grade year. Lisa's the girl doing the split, I'm the pissed off looking one on the right, middle row (Lisa takes up the 1st row), Julie's beside me and Tammy's at the other end. Michelle, also sporting the pissed off look, is the beautiful girl at the top left, next is Miranda, (always cheerful), and Wendy, (my smart, environementally friendly recycling friend), then Trina, also pissed (who is now my beautiful neighbor across the street - hi Trina!), and lastly our sweet friend Trellice on the top right.

What spurred me on to dig around and uncover this photo from 16 years ago? Besides needing to find a picture of Michelle from when we were kids, I've recently came into contact with my old friends. Julie and Cassie (we didn't meet Cassie till 9th grade, sadly), were so thoughtful and kind in coming to Michelle's funeral. I hadn't seen them for 10 years probably. Last week we had lunch together at Ruby Tuesday's (see below photo). It was such a fun and wonderfully sweet time catching up on the last 10 years! They, along with my friend Trina, were the ones who encouraged me to follow up on my facebook status. And since then, I've been connected with a couple other old friends from school. And, just as with the blog world 8 months ago, I've entered into a whole new other world again - the Facebook World. I don't know how involved I'll become with it yet, but it has been nice being able to connect with my old friends. And guess what? I still like them! They are still my wonderfully funny, sweet, and intelligent friends! I am so excited to be reintroduced to them! My dream - to recreate the picture from our Fun Day, blue shirts and all. So far I have connections with all but 2 girls, and unfortunately Michelle's presence will be deeply missed. The only down side to all these reunions I've been making lately - Michelle's absence is even more obvious as the shock of the accident is just starting to subside. I am missing my friend of 17 years.

But more on that later. For now, lets just enjoy and make fun of the picture from 1993. That was probably one of the heaviest times for me, weight wise! I gained so many pounds from 7th to 8th grade because all I did was read. I came home from school and read from afternoon till the early morning hours. My brother Dan would walk by my room and look in. He'd get so mad at me for staying in my room reading all the time. Then I went to the doctor and he told me I was probably anemic. He told me to go outside and exercise. Yes friends, exercise! My dad had open heart surgery and we started to eat healthy. I started to play tennis and park basketball. In 9th grade I became somewhat anorexic until my senior year or a bit later. Then nursing school came along and the stress of that just melted the pounds away (I had regained some pounds when my anorexic phase ended - my body decided to hord the calories just in case I malnurished myself again). Now the stress of trying to claw my way out of insanity is what keeps me flabilly thin. Yes, flabilly is a word. Even though I am thin, I still am somewhat flabby. And don't roll your eyes and tell me to shut up. I have a right to be flabby too.

So ends my post on The Blast From The Past. Is there anything you don't know about me by now?

Is Common Courtesy Becoming A Lost Social Grace?

For the first time ever, we saw Ethan in 2 school productions. The first one was a few weeks ago. The second one was this afternoon. And in both experiences we could hardly hear the voices of the performers. Not because they weren't talking loud enough, but because of those in the audience decided they had a right to be just as loud. And I'm not talking just about terrible two toddlers, though there were a few, I'm talking about adults. And those adults with the terrorizing toddlers and bawling babies refused to leave the auditorium. I don't even think it crossed their minds to do so. It was so frustrating!

Is common courtesy not so common anymore? And why not? Are people less intelligent and less concerned for their neighbor nowadays? Since Michelle's accident I have moments where life all of the sudden seems extremely precious and I just want to love everyone with every ounce of love that I have in my body - with exception to the Stump Woods bug life and supermoms and Christians that are fake. Perhaps I have been so cocooned within my little house that I have forgotten how crazy the general public can be. It's too scary - I just want to stay sheltered! I'm afraid that if God releases me into the workforce, I'll flip out on somebody! And what kind of love is that? Where's Jesus in that?

Success My Friends

Okay, if you haven't read the last 2 new posts, I give you permission to do so now - if you promise to come back to this one after your done with those.

Okay, now that you're caught up, please allow me a moment of celebration: SUCCESS!!! I'm such a genius - if only everyone else thought so too! I synchronized successfully my friends. I now am listening to my 77's Pray Naked cd. On my new, cool mp3 player. Oh, the sound. It's beautiful. And to think, now I don't have to haul my heavy space consuming cd case in my car. Oh. Wait. I guess I need a mp3 car adapter. A trip to Radio Shack is in order. So close. I was so close.

It's Going To Be A Long Night

Well, I'm stuck in the middle of another tech. problem. Maybe not a problem. But possibly.

My sweet hubby bought me a cool mp3 player on ebay a couple days ago. We got it this afternoon. And instead of reading up on it and investigating all the info., I decided just to get into the thick of things. Hopefully it's not a mistake! I have no idea how to download my music from my computer files (though hopefully that's what I'm doing at this moment while I'm writing my woes to you) to my new, cool looking mp3 player. It seems to be a very slow process. I must be doing something wrong. If only I hadn't sipped two glasses of wine, perhaps this would be easier. Do I have any techn. savvy friends out there? I think I need you. Maybe another glass of wine would help. I have the time apparently. I've been synchronizing at 2% now for five minutes - is that normal? And what does synchronizing mean? I assumed it meant I was downloading all my cd music files onto my new cool mp3 player. I'm not quite so sure now. I better leave you to figure this out.

Facebook - A Whole New World

So, I've been talking to a few old high school friends lately and they have been pressuring me to create a facebook account. "But I already did a few months back," I told them. "We couldn't find you." They told me. Well, friends, let me just tell you - I found myself. So don't tell me you can't find me - you aren't looking hard enough. I created the account (according to my facebook records) in January and haven't been back since. Until tonight. And after I requested a new password (because I forgot my old one), I found myself quite easily. I still only have one friend - thanks Corinne! - but I did put my artsy fartsy picture of myself up and I did ask to become friends with Minista Sista and Angie and Trina. So, if they deny me their friendship then I'll be pissed and will seek revenge. And I know where they live. So let that be a warning to all those who I've yet to ask friendship permission - don't risk my wrath!

Loads Of Laundry, Loads Of Work - Is It My Naptime Yet?

That's why I'm writing this post with nothing to keep your interest. It's simply a procrastination tool I'm using to keep me from cleaning out my fridge, washing down the kitchen cabinets, doing laundry, cleaning bathrooms, vacuuming and moping floors, writing thank-yous, making phone calls, storing away our winter clothing and replacing them with summer cloths ... the list is endless and overwhelming. Please tell me how long and overwhelming your list is - I need to know I'm not the only one! I can't stand supermoms! They make me look bad. That should be a post for another day - Why I Hate Supermoms. Sounds like a good ranting post. If you consider yourself a supermom then I am sorry for saying I hate you. But you must understand, you make me look bad. And you make me tired - how can you do it all, be it all, and still stay sane and beautiful? I do the bare minimum and I'm going insane at rapid speed while my hair is thinning and my face is breaking out like a teeny bopper's. And the dreaded time of year is fast approaching - I'll have my kids full-time at home driving me batty all summer. I'm definitely NOT the typical mom in that I'm looking forward to having my kids home 24/7 for a couple months! Does anybody have any great ideas in activities (the less it costs the better) that keep the monkeys occupied for awhile? I don't want to have to drive much this summer. We will be signing up for the summer reading program at our local library. I need to get a slip-n-slide or something. What works great for your kiddos? The less involved I need to be the better! (yeah, your lookin' pretty good as a mommy right now aren't you - I can see you through the computer screen patting yourself on the back!)

Well, the washer is done which means I need to put Little Miss's bedding into the dryer. And start in on another mound of laundry. I only have 2 kids, why does it seem like I have 20?