An Unhurried Grief

It's been raining off and on all day. The good kind of rain - a soaking, consistent, rhythmic rain. Rain that doesn't erode our driveway. The kind of rain the hummingbirds like. A reading, stay-in-bed kind of rain.

A mournful rain. The kind of rain that reminds me that God weeps too. And I have to wonder - what kind of day is it for my brother? So I pray for him, although I have no idea what to say to God.

Before I knew deep grief I never viewed this kind of rainy day as a mournful kind of day. But today I realize that pain invades the weather, because pain invades God's heart. And sometimes God has to cry too. Because He loves us so much and He knows that rift, that chasm, which separates the living from those that are asleep and the loneliness and anguish this creates.

I watched God grieve today. It was deep and consistent. Thorough in it's blanketed coverage. Yet somehow I knew I viewed this from an outsider's perspective. God was not grieving with me this time, God was grieving with somebody else. I knew this from inside my bones. This was an unhurried grief. An unhurried weeping. It faded in and faded out from the dark early morning hours to the late night hours.

An unhurried grief. A grief unto Himself. Of which He invited me to witness. I wish I had paid better attention. What a precious invitation.

Rain ~

so thorough and complete

consistant and straight forward

no pretense

rain like God's sorrow

pouring down

weeping with the ones

who weep

grieving and aching

releasing and taking.

Reeses

So far so good friends! She's kissed me! And I think she nibbled on me too. Here is Little Miss's post on Reeses in her own words:

she is cute. and she is soft. and i just got her. and she likes to play. and she plays in the litter box. she jumps like shes excited. shes a furball. and she likes to drink a lot. and eat a lot. and she's cute.

Bunny Attempt #2

Do you remember Kisses The Killer Rabbit? She was our pet rabbit last year for a couple months before we released her into Stump Woods. If you need to catch up on her story, please click HERE for a short post.

Well friends, today we got another rabbit! His/her (we're not sure yet) name is Reese's. She/he is a creamy white mini lop with a peanut butter color around her eyes and a stripe going down her back. She is much more cuter than Kisses The Killer Rabbit. And so far, this one is much nicer!

We had thought about going to Rutz Auction in Lancaster, buying a whole box full (they sell them by the boxes, not by bunny), and then put them all through a new TV reality game show: Survivor Bunny, Stump Woods. I'd video tape our interactions with the bunnies and each week I'd post the video. Then you, my faithful readers, would vote the most "unworthy" bunny out. Then we'd release it into Stump Woods (where the real survival story begins. hee hee hee, insert evil laugh now.) We'd have obstacle courses and litter training exercises and tricks they'd need to preform to compete against each other. Then, by the end of week 12, we'd vote on the most "worthy" bunny to be our bunny.

But Hubby didn't want even one bunny, much less 12. I'll post a picture of Reese's soon, I promise. I know you're just dying to see her!

The Timing Of Kids

*The theme song for this post is Creed's, With Arms Wide Open - #1 on my playlist.

Okay Leslie, here's the long answer (because I'm a wordy writer and can't keep it within the confines of the comment section) to your question in your post; It's Time To Grow.

This post is about when Hubby & I knew it was time to start growing our family of two. And for some reason, it's a tough post to write. I rewrote that last sentence multiples times, trying to form a sentence that flowed and sounded correct. But the fact is, Hubby and I didn't decide.

I walk into this post tenderly, fully knowing the range of emotions this could ignite. I've had friends who deeply desired to have children and for reasons known and unknown, their dream hasn't been fulfilled yet. I've had friends who had multiple miscarriages, I've had one who lost her baby at birth.

And on the flip side I've had friends who had babies despite the multiple contraceptive tools and preventative measures they took. Some planned each one and each one came as planned. Some didn't plan and weren't ready. Some just had to drink the water.

And all the stories in between! We each have our story, how we came to have kids, how we came to not have kids, how we came to stop trying, how we decided that we wouldn't even start. And there can be so much judgement in all the mix, and so much perceived judgement. This is truly a loaded topic.

But I want to write my story. Because it's something to celebrate! And I want everyone to know how fortunate I know I am to have two healthy beautiful kids.

After the 3rd or 4th positive test and one negative control test taken by hubby, we admitted to being pregnant. I went back to nursing school after the winter break with mixed emotions. I was so excited to be pregnant! But I was also scared. And I couldn't help but feel guilty and foolish. I was young, only 21. We were only married 8 months. And I had 3 more semesters of nursing school to go through yet. I went to my nursing advisor and told her I'd be dropping out, that I didn't want to miss a moment of my baby's new little life. She advised against it. What would happen if my husband dies? How would I support us? Missing the first year of your baby's life is easier than missing out on his older years, she told me. I've finally stopped having guilty nursing school dreams in which I try to go back to school to finish, but find I'm not smart enough and can't handle it. I wake up before I drop out again. The one word to sum up my guilt: failure. I cried a bit on my way back home from nursing school that day, leaving behind a dream and really good friends.

But the excitement soon returned, especially as we told hubby's parents and my grandparents. As it turned out, Grandpa and God were in cahoots together. Grandpa wanted to hold a great grandbaby, God wanted to save a few patient lives. So even though hubby and I were less than careful only a couple times, it was really Grandpa and God's fault.

I'd like to write about Hurricane EE's story, but that will have to wait. October was the month that this lifesaving great grandbaby was born, almost 9 years ago. And in October I'll tell you all about him.

After you have the 1st baby it's easier to figure out when to have that next one, at least for us it was. We wanted our kids to be close in age. They would have been 20 months a part. We got pregnant almost right away, just as planned. The due date was June 26, 2002. I so wanted a summer baby!

I've learned, since getting married, that things rarely go as planned. When I have my yearly exam with my midwife, the nurse always goes through the rundown, and for a few moments I'm caught in the emotion of that time when I lost the second baby. Three pregnancies resulting in two children. Depending on the nurse, sometimes that's said in a more sterilized clinical way.

We lost the baby in November. And for a person who can't stand waiting, it took me forever to get pregnant again. I couldn't understand it - why wasn't I getting pregnant? Was I doing something wrong? Was I heavy enough? Was something wrong with my thyroid levels? And I grieved. In reality it only took five or six months for a positive sign to truly appear (I took so many tests during those months, I would almost see a positive sign when really it was negative). Little Miss was desperately tried for, desperately wanted. And it didn't matter in the least that she would be due in winter. January she turns seven.

So we have our boy and we have our girl. Having another is not in my hubby's plans. And as time moves further a long, my dream of having three children becomes less and less a dream. I'm coming to the conclusion that starting all over again would indeed push me over the edge once and for all. I think God has other things planned for me, for us. And if it's God's design, perhaps in heaven I'll meet the one that I never got to hold. My summer baby.

All this to say, the control is really not in our hands. Not when it comes right down to it. Why did I get pregnant so easily that first and second time when in reality there are so many things to keep us women from getting pregnant - surely it is a miracle. And why was it so difficult the third time?

I can try to get my way, but in the end God get's his. And really, thank God for that.

A Question For The Tooth Fairy

What the heck am I supposed to do with all these teeth? Make a freakin' necklace out of them? It's a bit disgusting truth be told.

My Bread Machine!

Friends, GOOD NEWS!!! Today I made bread in my very own bread machine thanks to my new best friend, Becky R. She just happened to have a bread machine taking up too much space and decided the real estate was more valuable than the bread machine. So I helped her out. And took her bread machine home with me. And made my first loaf of bread. I can't wait to try out more recipes!

Not only have I gained another appliance, but I rediscovered some really cool ones I had hidden away and figured out how to work one that I never used in 10 & a 1/2 years because I thought someone bought us a broken mini food processor for our wedding present but it turns out it wasn't broken after all, I just wasn't smart enough at the time to figure it out. (wow, I get the run-on sentence award for that beauty). So, in acquiring a bread machine, I discovered a slushy maker, mini food processor, & an espresso/cappuccino machine! What a rewarding day!

Fun At Jellystone

More Pics of Jellystone Camping

Sudoku, Boston, & More Waiting

For those who haven't been hooked yet, take my advice: don't even start. It only takes one time to get addicted. And when you can't manage to fill in the grid completely on the "hard" level consistently (fully knowing there is an even harder level beyond it), you will feel stupid. And feeling stupid will lead you to feeling inadequate. And inadequacy will lead you to self loathing. And self loathing will lead you to violence. Besides emotional bondage you will develope neck pain and headaches. And you will swear those really bad swear words which tend to always be satisfying when released. So lets close the door on Sudoku. I can't even spell the word.

And say "goodbye for now" to my little brother who heads off to Boston tomorrow. I am the proud sister to a very gifted vocalist. For the next two (plus?) years my "music man" will attend Boston Conservatory. He will get his master's degree in vocal performance. I am so excited for him and admire him for his passion and drive. And I would love to go visit him and Boston! I've never been to Boston in the Fall (or at any other time). He will live 20 minutes away in a cute New England town called, Manchester By The Sea, (not to be out-done by our Manchester By The Conawago, according to my dad). So my music man will be leaving, and who knows where Dan will be by the end of the hurricane season (he plans on surfing up and down the coast during these months). Luke and Gretchen are still in Indiana. Are all the Smokers scattering?

And still I wait, being a complete annoyance to our Maker. I'm groaning and moaning and complaining. I'm ignoring Him and blaming Him and praising Him. I'm a complete mess! But can you blame me? I'm not sure if I should look forward to my favorite time of year or not! I love the Fall! But do I have a job or not? I'm still waiting to hear. I can't plan church involvement yet because I don't know if I'll be working during the day or in the evenings, if I'll be working at all. Do I dare to admit this? I was thinking about joining the Mom to Mom group at church! (which if you know me you know that scares me to death - coming in contact with other moms). And I'd write about things with my hubby's work, but I can't right now. Let's just say he's waiting too. All I see is a complex Sudoku grid that needs to be filled in. And God hasn't given me many numbers to count on. And the more I think about it, the more I'm wondering if he's taking those numbers away. Is he enjoying this?

GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Summer Fun - Odd Isn't It?

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It's odd, having fun. It's a crazy thing to be barely surviving the desert of my spiritual life while having a blast doing various summer activities. On one level, we're experiencing life the way we want to. On another level, we're experiencing life the way it was never meant to be experienced. But that's life for all of us. The good and the bad, beautiful and ugly, peaceful and horrific. And sometimes, when life is especially strange, some of those opposing things blend, making for a very odd-tasting milkshake.

We have been having fun this summer. We've been keeping busy with camping trips and a weekend Raystown trip. And although yesterday we tried hard to come up with a way to make it to the beach, it looks like we'll be headed to Jellystone Campground where camping is at it's finest. Waterparks, go-cart tracts, cable hookups, cement pads (for those non-campers, a cement pad is on the ground - makes for a better foundation), fun pools, an awesome gamehouse, plenty of activities to keep the kiddos entertained ... the list is magnificent. We head there tomorrow.

We just got back from camping with my parents and brother Dan. That was the first time we all camped together since our Chincoteague days when I was a kid! We had a blast fishing and paddleboating (where a handicapped little duck wanted desperately to be adopted by us, the paddleboating family. He kept following our little boat, even making tight circles when we did!) We saw deer and a cute turtle, were awaken by the crows every morning (how I wanted the bbgun hunter to take care of that annoying situation) and ate icecream at the little restaurant type thingy. Dan was the proud angler who caught his own bait (the fish were the size of goldfish just about), and Hurricane EE never tired of giving Dan fishing advice and giving him play by play action of his fishing expertise (sorry Dan). Little Miss practiced her photography skills and nearly got herself a free trip the ER when a piece of bark landed itself in her eye - that nasty mean tree!

Little Miss hosted a Girls Only picnic where they made journals (hmmm, who came up with that idea?) aggression cookies, and played on the slip-n-slide. What a fun day! And I survived it!

Life is not all grief. Not all fun. It's a mixed bag. My goal is to try to capture the realness of life, to experience it all. To hold tightly to these moments as they happen, and let them go when they pass.

Tell Me

It's been a hard 3rd month. I haven't written as often as I usually do - just look to the right at the archive. But it wasn't because I was dealing with the pain of grief. I was numbing it. Escaping from it. And it worked - sort of. I escaped through normal means. I submerged my mind in other people's stories - in reading a lot of books. I escaped through vacations, family, and in other, not-so-healthy ways. I couldn't manage to get angry at God and "have at it" with Him, so I avoided Him, and walked blindly into a wasteland. I look back at it now and recognize the quiet rebellion. It shouldn't take me by surprise - but it does. Isn't that how I normally rebel? Quietly, slowly hardening my heart in order to dull it's senses? I'm angry. Oh man am I angry. I'm too practical to shake my fist at God and curse Him. But I'm wrestling Him anyway. And this past month, this chunk in time, tells me just how angry I am.

I read that there are certain times in grieving where it is more painful - anniversaries, her birthday, holidays, and even certain months. Month 3 was noted to be one of those tougher times. As I was going through it I would have disagreed. There were times I didn't even think of her. I couldn't feel anything - it was like I viewed the situation (when I thought of it at all) without any emotion. I was numb. And I was thankful. Being just a friend and sis-in-law gives me an unfair advantage that my brother and her family don't have. I've enough distance from her to distance myself emotionally if I wanted to. I didn't see her everyday. I didn't talk to her all the time. To go a few days without thinking of her now is like any normal day before the accident.

Recently, God snapped me back to reality quickly, before things got out-of-hand. Normally I've sensed Him off to the side, quietly waiting for me to come to Him. I made a foolish decision and God mercifully called out me on it. He stepped out from the peripheral and interceded in a way that humbled me greatly. He gently took my face in His hands and made me look at Him. That's when the grief started to seep back in.

I met with my mentor last week. The timing was perfect. At the end of our time together she told me about her week with her grandkids. She had four grandchildren stay with her. Her one grandson isn't a big eater (sounds like Hurricane EE) and sometimes he refuses to eat supper. One evening he did just that. My mentor was in the kitchen and kept calling to him to come to her. He kept putzing around on the recliner, then made his way over to the sofa, but he wouldn't go to her. Finally she had to put him in a time-out. When she went to him she asked him why he wouldn't come to her when she asked him to. He said, "I thought you were going to make me eat supper." She said she wasn't going to make him eat supper, all she wanted him to do was for him to come to her and tell her.

Tell Me. That's what God's been waiting for all this time. He's been sitting beside me while I read book after book. He's been sitting beside me in the car. He's been sitting on the toilet seat while I take a bath. He's been sitting on the floor beneath my window while I try to get to sleep at night. He's been waiting for me to tell him what it's been like for us, for me, to have Michelle taken from us. He's been waiting for me to unload every ugly, painful, and odd memory and emotion onto Him. I honestly didn't even consider doing that until my wise friend told me her story with her grandson. I thought God was okay with just observing me - that it was enough for Him to hear me praying for those she's left behind. I told Him a while back that He's invited in on every thought (I know He can eavesdrop anyway so why not just let Him in?). Our conversation is open-ended throughout my days. He knows that. But I guess in Month 3 I closed Him off to just about everything.

I'm reading Jodi Picoult's book, Change Of Heart. In it a mother goes to meet the death-row inmate who killed her daughter and husband for a "victim-offender mediation" meeting. I thought the following sentences from her book were profound for the very situation that I'm in now.

"Victim-offender mediation is a process that gives a victim the chance to meet her offender in a safe and structured setting," Abigail explained. "The victim will be able to tell the offender about the crime's physical, emotional, and financial impact. The victim also has the chance to receive answers to any lingering questions about the crime, and to be directly involved in trying to develop a plan for the offender to pay back a debt if possible-emotional or monetary. In return, the offender gets the opportunity to take responsibility for his behavior and actions." (pg. 170)

I know I'm not a victim and God's not an offender. Not in the true sense and the true perspective. But from a hurting & grieving perspective, sometimes it's just easiest and most satisifying to picture it like that. I started to tell God. Last night I sat down with my notebook and wrote. I asked Him a lot of questions He's not answered yet. I told Him about that night in the ER. How those scenes play back over and over and I don't want them to but I'm afraid to forget them just the same. I told Him I just want to be done. I want to be done with the grieving. I don't want Dan to hurt anymore. I want her family to be whole. I told Him that I still can't believe it's happened. And I told Him I'm sick of waiting. That the stresses of everything is just too much. I keep giving it to Him and He keeps giving it back to me. It's like neither of us wants it. It's a big stinking hot-potato! I just want Him to fix it. Fix it and be done with it. Fix this mess God! Give us peace and quiet minds.

So I asked God last night after I packed up my notebook and headed back to bed, "So now what?" I'm still asking Him that. I'm finding that most of my walk with God is me not knowing things and Him not telling me until the last moment. I heard someone say, "God's never early, but He's never late. He's always right on time." I wish His timing and my timing were the same!

Why is it that there are very few christain songs that deal with crappy stuff? (just a thought that's been plaguing me lately). Why don't some christain songs end without a resolution? That's life. Moments don't always end with the right conclusion. That's why I like the song, You Found Me, by the Fray. I write in the moment. The stuff I write now will not adequately express the place I'll be at in the next moment, or tomorrow, or a few years from now. But that's okay. I can feel confident that God loves me in this moment because that's just what it is, just a moment. I'm His work of art that He's still working on. I just wish christain songs would be more real.

* I added 2 new songs to my playlist - Closer To Love & Ocean Wide.