Before And After

I went to church this past Sunday. I should have stayed in bed. I debated the merits of going to church while I was cozy in my bed. Every time I miss a Sunday everyone tells me I missed a good sermon. God's punishment for me not going to church is missing a good sermon. Who knew? I decided, while half-asleep that morning, that even if the sermon was no good, the worship team would be. So I went to church. Alone.

I should have stayed in bed.

I don't remember much of the sermon except it was on my favorite (sarcasm here friends) Bible character Paul. It was about his amazing before and after picture. His testimony. Now, who could beat that? A Pharisee murdering Jew, killing off the new Church members gone over to his enemy's side after an amazing encounter with the Lord - turned into one of the Church's most influential missionary of his time, converting Jews and gentiles into becoming followers of Christ. My story doesn't even come close. But her story does. At least, a little bit closer.

A young woman gave her "testimony" this past Sunday, the Sunday I should have missed. Her life before she met Christ was full of unhealthy decisions with hard consequences I'm sure she's still paying for. But she started coming to my church. And she got involved. And before you know it she's crossed the line of faith. And by that I mean her eyes have been awakened to the truth of our Creator and the Word, and she decided she needed to have a relationship with Him. As I heard her tell her story, I saw her passion, I saw her excitement and love for the Lord. It was like viewing a bride and groom on their wedding day. It was like seeing mushy mushy new couple love.

I was happy for her. But the overwhelming emotion I had was fear. For her. How will she be when life hits full force? When God lets her down? When her depravity seeps back in and guilt over shadow's God's promises and love? I wanted to protect her. I prayed to God to protect her.

But God told me that in order for faith to become real and deep, in order for our relationship with Him to become intimate and experiential, hard times must come. Times when you question the very foundation of our faith. When all we can do is come to Him empty handed because we've nothing to give. Nothing but a mess. And God would tell us it is a beautiful mess. But to my mind it is still a mess. And I see no beauty in it.

So I ask myself, like I asked myself last Sunday - how can I go from this:

If spirits could storm,

mine would be tearing

itself apart with lightning.

If hearts could dry up,

mine would be

withered and dirty.

I thirst for Living Water -

You hold it out to me.

I pretend I do not see you

and turn to walk away.

I drink the dust instead.

And die a little bit more.

But still, You're there,

inviting me in.

To this:

Matthew 11:28-30 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

To eventually find the promise He made me several months ago, (you will find that particular post HERE) :

Isaiah 43:19 "See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland."

It seems like such a long way to go. I so wanted my time of "waiting" to end. And now it's beginning to end. But I suddenly find myself not ready. My world is all out of my control. From my own thought life to my responsibilities as a wife, mother, friend, sister, and daughter. Everything is out of my hands. And, if you want to read a post on that from a few months ago, click HERE.

It's funny how the things I wrote of while in "the waiting" are now starting to haunt me. The things that God told me while I was in the labyrinth at church during the lent season are now ringing loudly in my ears. I saw this sign posted high on a far wall while sitting in the spring room " ... everything beautiful in it's own time ..." That part of the verse somewhere in Ecclesiastes is a promise God's given me even before I knew what would happen a couple months from then.

I am starting to see things so clearly. And I know I need to go to Him. So why can't I? What is preventing me? Why am I agonizing over something I know how to solve? Or perhaps I should write, why am I agonizing over things that I know the Lord can solve? And why won't I seek the One who I know is the only one who can help me?

Have you ever been there and done that? Making yourself a "self-made trap?"

That's where I am right now. Pin me down and label me in rebellion. Good God, He's warned me of this too.