If Today Was My Last Day ...

... and I knew it, I would hold my babies close. I would tell them all the strengths I've noticed in their character. I would tell them how deeply loved they are by me, their daddy, and their God. I would tell them to find and pursue the gifts and talents God gave them, and that one of the ways you can tell they come from God is that there will be an inclination and deep satisfaction while in the midst of using them. Do what you love. Follow your passion. And pursue God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength.

I would also hold my love. I'd tell him what an amazing man he is. I'd tell him he means the world to me. He is soft hearted, patient, loyal, honorable, intelligent, witty, hard working, and one hot hubby! I'd tell him that God has even more adventuresome plans ahead for him. I'd plead with him to continue to pursue God and to love Him, to continue to use the gifts God's given him, and find out what gifts he has that he isn't as aware of. I'd tell hubby I've loved him for twelve years and that twelve years isn't enough.

I'd tell him I'll meet him by the tree too.

If this was the last day of my life I'd call my parents and brothers. I'd call my sistas. I'd make sure I told them I love them. I'd thank them for their love and friendship. I'd say, "see ya later!"

If this was the last day of my life I'd die in peace, knowing I love my Lord and that I'm going to Him and to those who've gone ahead of me. I'd know the ones I leave behind are in His good hands.


But that's all a big pile of crap.

So says the little red devil sitting on my left shoulder (or my alter ego, whichever you prefer).

That crap may be pretty, but it still stinks. There is a country song that says, "everybody wants to go to heaven but nobody wants to go now." I have mixed opinions on that.

If God told me that today would be my last day, perhaps the following conversation would take place:

God: "Emily, today is your last day."
Me: "What?"
God: "Today is your last day Emily, I'm taking you home."
Me: "What? What do you mean 'taking me home'?"

(I can be quite the blonde at times)

God: "Today you'll be with me in paradise."
Me: "We're going to Chincoteague after all Lord? Thank God!"
God: "No sweet thing, your going to die. And then you'll be birthed into heaven. Today's your last day on Earth."
Me: "You've got to be kidding."
God: "No, I'm pretty serious."
Me: "I don't believe you! Who are you to decide? Who are you?"
God: "I am."

After my disbelief, anger would set in.

Me: "You can't do this! Who will take care of my babies? Who will run the house?"
God: "Oh, don't worry about that. I have a few good options for your man to choose from."
Me: "What! Already Lord? Well, she better be ugly and flat chested! And she better love those kids more than she loves herself!"

After my anger eases off my bargaining mode will kick in. I'd start giving God other options that might satisfy His killing tendencies.

Me: "How about you take such and such instead? If you take such and such, I'll throw in what's his name for free! Who can pass up a buy one get one free deal?"

(don't worry, I don't have any particular people in mind)

God (not amused): "That's not my plan."

Sulking will start. Then deep sadness. And then, if I've a mind to, perhaps the attitude I wrote of in the beginning will seep through.

That's if God tells me in the morning. But with God, all bets are off. Who knows His mind? He might just tell me in the evening, or with a few hours left to the day. I wouldn't put it past Him.

If this alter ego/little red devil part of my post seems to be irreverent in your opinion - I make my apologies. Part of me is battling some anger issues. And a wise friend told me that anger is part of grief and that in order to get through to the other side to peace and wholeness, I must let this anger run it's course. God can handle my anger.

I'm just not sure what or who I'm angry at. My mind tells me I can't be angry at God. He's the big kahuna, the one in control, the one who knows best. And anger at God is pointless, He'll bring me round to His side eventually anyway, and I'd probably go through more pain if I'd continue in my anger towards Him. The way I see it, I'm just being practical. Who wants extra pain?

But sometimes anger comes on strongly and instantly without my permission. Like when I'm talking to a loved one of Michelle's and they are having a hard time, or when I was in Dan and Michelle's house and everything is just the way it was before the accident, her shoes are lined up, her keys hung up, her phone on the counter, her purse on the half wall next to the stairs. These are times I get angry. And before I dwell in that anger too long, I stuff it back down.

So I don't know where to start with this anger business. And I'm afraid to. What if I get sucked in for too long? What if I lose sight of God? What if I would start to hate Him?

But I think He's calling me to it. I think He's inviting me in to the anger. And I guess I have to trust that if He invites me in, He'll eventually kick me out.

Right?

The song "If today was your last day" by Nickleback is #1 on my playlist right now - that's what gave me the inspiration to write this.