The Inquisition And Deportation Of A Squirrel

The squirrel, restrained by the use of a few rubber bands, sat on a white plastic Barbie chair with a white plastic Barbie table in front. I sat across from him - not in a white plastic Barbie chair. To the side was the bb gun hunter , gun pointed at the hairy knee caps of the squirrel. Behind me paced Hurricane EE, just itching to shoot the tree rodent himself. Squirrel was bathed by the light of a pen light which was held by Little Miss.

"Okay Squirrel, spit it out. Tell me what you tree rodents are up to." My stare bored into his beady eyes. He wasn't budging. The bb gun hunter started pumping his gun. One pump. Two pumps. I held my hand up to stop him.

"I'll know if you're lying Squirrel. I have a sworn statement of Chipmunk who witnessed everything," I lied. Squirrel said nothing but blinked. Hurricane EE charged towards Squirrel, but I held my hand up again. He growled at the
squirrel but kept his place. The bb gun hunter resumed his pumping. Three pumps. Four pumps.

"I see you are resisting our attempt at being hospitable. Perhaps I should have the bb gun hunter take out your knee caps. Would you be more cooperative then? Hmmmmmmm?" A bead of sweat trailed down the side of Squirrel's face. Five pumps. Six pumps.

"We saw the Blue Jays in the tree - we know they're your suppliers. If you tell us, we'll make you a deal. We'll put you in the witness protection program. We know you are recruiting your comrades from across the street. Tell us everything, and things will go well for you. Tell us nothing, and we'll deport your little ass to the county dump. There are no trees there pal - no nuts. It's a stinky wasteland. You won't survive the night my little hairy friend." Squirrel started fidgeting around. Little Miss intensified the light. Still, Squirrel kept quiet.

In the end we deported Squirrel to the Landfill - just like we promised him. The dump is fast becoming the 4th largest mountain in the North Atlantic States. Each year it has gotten bigger and bigger as trash is thrown and buried there. Rumor has it that ski lifts will be installed within the next couple of years. A ski resort and spa will be developed on the site. If squirrel survives that long, he will once again be deported. This time to Morris Meadows campground, a place where the mentally insane squirrels are institutionalized. Heaven help the little bugger.

To this day we have no idea what the squirrels were up to. Little Miss swears she's seen them hang upside down from branches by their tails. Why would a dozen squirrels congragate in one tree for days upon days, biting off the branches? Squirrels are not known to socialize with eachother - I learned that at Nixon park this week. 'Tis a mystery for sure.