Everything Beautiful

This morning I came across some journaling from last year's labyrinth at church.

It's amazing to me how God's voice keeps echoing over the course of a year - from last January to present time. I look back now and see that what I wrote back then is so much more meaningful now. It's a miracle to me. There's a strong bond that is created between God and I when I write sometimes (I don't mean to sound prideful and arrogant - you have this connection too in your own gifts and passions - that's the big purpose in him giving them to you). Even in my questioning, even in my tantrums, and when I write down his questions back to me, and my responses back to him, those in-the-moment issues are the spring board for the art-work he's creating in me. Those in-the-moment issues have reached beyond into the months and years following and become the groundwork for deepening our relationship and creating in me a good work. Everything ties in together.

The labyrinth is a series of rooms. Each room is designed differently to create a specific mood. The purpose of the labyrinth is to take you out of your everyday life and help you focus on the Lord. Last year's theme was the 4 seasons. And the verse was taken from Ecclesiastes - the one that states there is a season for everything.

I helped install the labyrinth last year so it was not a surprise to me what I'd see as I entered each room. However, it was a surprise to me what I encountered. The first season I came to was the winter room - a time to weep. And as I tried to reflect on the things that have caused me sorrow in my past, I felt a strong sense that I was not to focus on them, that I was not in a time of weeping (even though there were a lot of unknowns and insecurities at that time). I believe God wanted me to focus on what he had done for me in the past - to remember his strength and presence during those hard times. Because although I was not currently in a time of weeping, I felt God was telling me it was coming. I had no idea what was coming, and I don't believe God's intention was a specific incidence, but he was preparing me for the years ahead which houses some sorrow, grief, and hard times. I also believe he was implanting his voice in my memory for the time when I would come back to it - months after the accident.

The next room I came to was the Spring room - a time to mend. It was another season I currently did not think I was in. My eyes and mind focused on a broken clay pot with dark potting soil spilling out. This room was clearly a warning message to me. It was like God was telling me "See that broken pot? See how soft and pliable the soil is? It is perfect to grow anything I want to create. When you go through the winter time, do not harden your heart. Do not make the earth too cold and unmovable. Because it will be painful to dig around in, it will take much more time to grow something beautiful. In your winter time, make sure you do not grow cold and distant towards me, be open and pliable. Let my hands, my worn pierced hands, stir you up. Let my Strong gentle hands build in, build deep into the wasteland. Let my knowing loving hands create the streams in the desert as I hum while I work and gaze at the beauty of it." I swear, it might sound corny, but that's what he was telling me.

God doesn't plead, but what he desired was evident.

As I was sitting on that wicker chair I looked up to notice high on the wall part of a verse, ..."everything beautiful in it's own time ..."

Everything beautiful in it's own time.

I moved on to the summer room - a time to laugh. Yet another room I could not identify with. We were not in a time of laughter - we were in a time of stress and anxiety. Jason's trade and business was dying. I was looking for a job to help bring in money. But nobody was interested in me. We were on the brink of change, at the end of the waiting, and it was driving me crazy. Because I did not know what I was waiting for. There is lack of control in the unknown. This was the room where God slapped me upside the head. "You have much to be thankful for - so many blessings. Choose to have my perspective. Have fun, lighten up! Nobody told you you need to be so down. Spirituality is not depression! Don't force dreariness and don't force brightness. Be intentional about your family and friends. Spend time with them." How I wish I would have spent more time with Michelle. How I wish I had heeded his wisdom.

The final season was Fall - a time to tear (not like crying, like shredding). A time to let go. There was a lot to let go.

I wonder now what season I'm in.

I journaled while I was in these rooms - that's why I can write so specifically. I have that journal sitting beside me right now.



Everything beautiful in it's own time
Everything beautiful in it's own time
Everything beautiful in it's own time
own time
own time
Everything will be beautiful
everything
in it's own time.

Jesus, Pagans, And What People Tell Me

Here are a few short posts I'll combine into one post:

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JESUS GETS PHOTOGRAPHED

I heard a funny story today at the podiatrist's. All sorts of characters come in to get their feet dealt with each day. Today we had a sheep farmer - what do you call those people? Do we still call them shepards? Let's call him a shepard - for nostalgia's sake.

Shepard got a call from a photographer in Baltimore. This photographer wanted to come to Shepard's farm to take pictures. She would bring Jesus. She wanted to take pictures of Jesus with the lambs. Shepard agrees to host the photographer and the Jesus-Stand-In. She will sell these photographs for hundreds of dollars each. She wants to give Shepard $300 for providing the landscape and lambs. Shepard declines. Jesus-Stand-In holds the lambs, cradles the lambs, is surrounded by lambs. I'm sure there's a cute little bunny near by too. Then the photographer asks the question we all know the answer to: "If Jesus-Stand-In would take a stroll, would the sheep follow him?"

No. Of course not - they don't know his voice.

Funny thing was, they followed him. Everywhere. Photographer asked if they could come back some day. Shepard told her of course. Jesus is coming back.

I asked the sheep farmer if Jesus-Stand-In had blue eyes. Did the guy even look Jewish? I told him the Bible says that Jesus had no physical attribute that would draw us to him - he wasn't that good looking apparently. The sheep farmer told me that Jesus-Stand-In was a model.

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Pagan's Easter

When I was a kid ...

... we got no toys for Easter.

Target sent us their Easter catalog in the mail today. It ticked me off. Before I met Jason I had no idea kids got toys on Easter. Seriously - when I was a kid we hunted eggs and ate the candy out of them. We were thrilled with the change we collected - less than 5 bucks.

What a distraction. And I don't have the money to buy toys - we just got through Christmas thankyouverymuch! We are only partial pagans. We love the candy and eggs. But not the bunny. Stupid bunny.

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What People Tell Me:

"Don't get old." (how does one respond to that?)

"Mommy, you forgot your cell phone - you just weren't thinking."

"You're how old? - You look like you're twelve!"

"You've been married how long?"

"Are you the doctor?" (Yes, I'm Dougie Houser)

"Mommy! I wounded a bird!"

"It hurts. But now that your pressing on it - it doesn't hurt. Weeellll, it kind of hurts - no, no it doesn't." Doctor walks in. "Doctor, it hurts."

Retreat Into The Deep

I'm not a very good communicator. Unless I've hashed it out on paper, I'd not be able to process my thoughts to you verbally very well. I'm not a talker by true nature. I started learning the social art during my elementary hopping school years with the necessity of making new friends, but I'm an introvert at heart. Jason's not a talker either. And when we are stressed and anxious we become cold and distant towards each other. This was a year where we traded spots off and on - one of us pursuing while the other retreated. We're growing closer - learning how to communicate, becoming more humble, learning to forgive and move on. And my friend is right, maybe when we're 80 we'll be able to enjoy perfect relationships with our hubbies! It just takes time and maturity. And we're getting there.



This was a hard week. And I don't know if I could explain why it was while I was in it, but I was retreating. I didn't want to talk. I didn't want to be required to answer Jason's friendly questions. It was distracting. I was so tired, my sleep was laced with strange dreams. My thoughts were on my brother Dan. I was not eating healthy which was taking a toll on my body. I went blank on post ideas - I just didn't feel like writing. Jason was becoming hurt by my indifference towards him. I knew he was hurt, but I didn't do anything about it.



I have off on Fridays - thank the Lord. And when Jason called home to see how I was and received a distant reply - he told me that he didn't feel loved by me. This was something that I've told him on occasion - it was not a comfortable feeling to have the roles reversed. So almost immediately after we got off the phone with each other, I called his mom. I asked if she could watch the kids that evening. Thank goodness she could! I went to several different stores, buying fun stuff for our date night. We went to Harrisburg to the Bass Pro Shop. It was actually pretty fun! We had plenty of car time to talk and we ate at Applebee's. I was finally able to talk about what was going on inside my head that week. And I realized that my biggest concern was for my brother. I hadn't talked with him in weeks. I felt like a terrible sister. I left a couple messages on his phone, but didn't try too hard to make a connection. In fact, part of me wanted to avoid him. But I was also concerned about him. And so I grew depressed. Missing Michelle, missing my brother, wishing things were the way they were a year ago, knowing that next month is the one year "anniversary" of her death.



I didn't tell all this to Jason - but I think he could fill in some of the blanks. We ended up having a very nice evening together.



Dan returned my call today. He's been to the beach a couple times this week to surf. He's also been working on a dry-wall project in his house. He has his bad days - he says he would sleep forever if he could. He's still working at Harley Davidson until they lay him off for good (he's training his replacement right now). He's tossing around a vision or two. But it's hard to dream when you're stuck in a nightmare. His whole world was tossed upside down in an instant. And every dream he shared with Michelle evaporated.



This post was hard to finally write. Although I like to be real, I am uncomfortable writing about my struggles being a wife. I think a huge part of this reason is because it's not completely my own story to tell. That goes for Dan as well. I've wanted to write about him - because I'm sure you'd appreciate knowing how he's doing since so many of you have been praying for him. But his story is not mine to tell. So there's a tricky balance that I must find and a line that I must not cross.



This is a year of change for us Smokers. Thom moved to Boston to attend his dream school, mom and dad are pursuing their dream, Luke and Gretchen have taken the next big step in pursuing their dream, God's got some cool things planned for Dan, I'm working after 10 years of being home, and hubby is close to a possible career change as well.



And with the words of Hurricane EE I'll end this post - "good times, good times!"

The Big Reveal: Vision #1

Don't laugh. Don't you dare snicker. And don't look to the skies to verify the flight of pigs (but yes, they are up there).

My job requires arm strength. Holding up the hose of a vacuum cleaner while maintaining certain degrees of angles demands stamina.

I'm acquiring a little buddah belly. Yes I am. I'm now 31 years of age and my metabolism is starting to slow - dang it! I knew I was eating on borrowed time. I lived it up while it was still working for me.

The time has come to implement adjustments in my daily diet and exercise regime. Okay okay, don't start snoring up your coffee. I admit, the term exercise regime is a little excessive to describe my former habit of activity (inactivity).

I believe in baby steps.

I'll start with using the little weights Dean The Physical Therapist gave me. I'll pump my arms while watching TV. I'll also follow the exercise take-home program he gave me (squats and other stuff). I'll attempt to (gulp) exercise 3 evenings a week while Jason is at the gym and at church (I don't need an audience).

And although I have no visions of me eating fruit and veggies (let's not get carried away), I do have a desire to eat less artificial ingredients and drink more water. I will say "no" more often to empty calorie foods.

For me it's simple. A little more activity and a little less junk. I don't care so much about fat content (in meals). I just simply want to eat less sugar and drink more water.

Maybe, to be held accountable, I'll document my progress here on this blog. I just want to be a little more healthier. This is one of my visions.

The Kindly Ones

The Kindly Ones.

This is a ficticious book based on real stuff.

I'm on page 218 of 975. It's a slow go my friends. Part of me just wants to return it to the library. I'll have to renew it for the 2nd time tomorrow (which means I'll have had it for 4 weeks). I'm only allowed to renew it twice. There's no way I'll be able to finish it in 14 days.


Why is it taking me so long?


It's a German's memoirs about his years during WWII. He was part of the SS (or SD, I'm not sure). It was his job to document the genocide of the Jews, gypsies, insane people ...


Now you see why I can only read one or two pages at a time.


Germany called the issue with the Jews, The Jewish Question. They called the mass murders; Actions. Of course, killing so many people at one time poses certain problems. Such as, how do we get them all to the place of action? What is the speediest and cleanest way to kill? They played around with different possibilities.


So why am I reading a book as awful as this? If you remember in posts past, I have a tendency to pick depressing movies. I guess that might carry over to books as well. But besides that, this subject (the Jewish genocide), has always intrigued me. This man tries to answer the following quesions: What would it take for a single person to kill another human being? How can a whole country kill so many of it's people? And how can a whole nation stand behind that? What kind of mentality does that take? Why didn't more men refuse their order? What was the impact on the men that chose to follow through with their order? And a darker wonder - what would it be like for the victim in those last minutes before they die? What is the transition like from being alive to being dead?


This man answers the first questions almost immediately in the book. He writes in a withdrawn manner much of the time. He dares you to think from his perspective. Often he writes the facts, where he is going & why, his conversations. Sometimes he goes deep with his thoughts. There are no chapters. He includes every little thing. He is still (as of page 218) trying to find the answers to those last two quetions.

I'm going to try reading more, I want to know the answers to those last questions myself. I've been asking similar ones within the past year.

"You don't have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body." ~ C.S. Lewis

Stupid Stupid Mean People

UUUGGGGG! My brother gave me a virus. A computer virus. Possibly. This brings to mind a few words to a song by the Squirrel Nut Zippers "... a virus holding up inside inside us ..."

Why can't people just be nice? Why do they have to send viruses to innocent little computers (of which cost me less than $350.00) which lack any kind of influential power. My computer is not the gateway to financial domination, nor is it a doorway to world governmental secrets. I journal on this thing. I play a couple games. I blog. There is no point in sending a virus to me because the sender does not receive any benefits. Stupid stupid mean people.

Oh. This is not my brother's fault - although it would have been nice to have received the warning email a little sooner :)

Don't Make Me Go Dementia On You!

Let's see, what kind of humor do I laugh to? Craziness. Pure craziness. I work with a person whose conversations are always interesting - you never know what he's going to say next. His dramatics keep me smiling and laughing throughout my days - except for when his dramatics are dramatically negative towards ME and the others that I work with. Perhaps I enjoy his crazy antics because deep down, I'm crazy too. Okay okay, maybe not so deep down. Maybe more on the surface level, which reaches all the way down (Jeez, you're mean).

I used to work at a nursing home. Many times I wanted to have a temper tantrum (sometimes I did) and throw things. I loved watching Charlotte, an Alzheimer's resident, roll up to people in her wheel chair and slap or pinch them. She had her own lunch table, there was no way she'd allow anybody to eat with her. She used to throw her food. Oh, how I wanted to join in with her! Charlotte was an 80 pound menace. I have a feeling I'm going to be just like her when I grow up.

I travelled outside the office with one of the doctor's today - we went to a senior center to do foot care. They were quite social with eachother. It was very interesting to observe them. They played Wii bowling, sewed pet beds, and sat around round tables flirting and enjoying eachother's company. Their bingo prizes spanned the length of a 6 ft table. The prizes consisted of pepto bismol (no, I'm not kidding), cleaning products, tissues, diet Coke, and other food items.(I was only slightly disturbed by the memorial - cemetery - mural painted on the walls - at least it was a Spring time scenery, however, I kept thinking the bunny was going pop out of the wall and bite me - remember Kisses the Killer rabbit? This one looked just like her). The members of this senior center got me to thinking on how I would be when I become a senior. I don't think I'm the type to socialize. If all my friends are dead, then I have a feeling I'll become a recluse, reading all day and eating pasta. In fact, I'm kind of looking forward to this. This past year I've started taking preventative measures against Alzheimer's by challenging my mind to Sudoku puzzles. I have a feeling I'm going to end up like Charlotte - which will be fine once I'm to her level of dementia, but it's going to be horrific in the early stages, knowing what's to come. I watched my Grandpa suffer with Alzheimer's.

Just blame it on the Alzheimer's - Emily's gone postal on you. I can't wait. I just hope I have enough mind left to enjoy it.