Where Am I?

I don't think I really want to know.


"It is simply the leaping into imaginative activity of an idea which I would always have theoretically admitted - the idea that I, or any mortal at any time, may be utterly mistaken as to the situation he is really in."

~ C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed


I have this bad feeling that I'm supposed to be laying more out on the line. That I should live a life of desperation for the ones who still don't know Him, that I should be free with my money and support those who need funding. In short, I have a bad feeling that I need to live more like the people of the early church. But I don't want to. I want to have a leisurely life. But I battle over what purpose God has me here on earth, why during this time in history? I think in many ways I would have felt more comfortable living 100 years ago - who knows? (I probably would never have survived my first childbirth!) Shouldn't I give all my money to the church, take in the homeless, give my kids to the temple to apprentice as scribes? Shouldn't hubby and I go door to door and win souls?

What would God say to me if I would ask for his evaluation? I don't really want to know. I don't want to stick my neck out for him. I don't want to give my money to others. And I just want to put my kids to bed quickly - avoiding the devotions.

Yeah, that's where I'm at.