It was a tough few days this week. I think it was the longest stretch of intense grief I've had so far. Days. Amazing how it can come on without any known spark and leave gradually, even gently. My heart aches for what Michelle's parents, sister, &and grandparents must be going through. And for Dan.
I really do appreciate all your support in praying. I can't say I really know how prayer works & sometimes I feel like it's pointless - God's going to do what He's going to do anyway. I don't understand all the aspects of prayer - to be bold, yet be humble (he's my king), to cry out honestly, yet still be fearful, to praise him & give him glory while sorting through the chaos of what's befallen, to be thankful for it while regretting. It all seems so opposing. So do I understand prayer? No. Thirty one years of believing in God and I'm farther away from understanding it than ever. But do I still pray? Most of the time. It's talking to him. Sometimes it's body language. Sometimes it's just being quiet. Sometimes it's playing my guitar. Or singing. Intercessory prayer happens most often in my bathtub.
Sometimes, many times, prayer happens while I write. That's my best form of communication anyway. It's so hard for me to verbally convey what's going on inside me - sometimes I can't even comprehend it until I start writing. I don't know why this is - what is it about the act of writing that releases understanding? It seems like the same process for talking, so why doesn't talking work for me? Maybe too many of my personalities are trying to talk at once and it's impossible to sort them all out and give each one their own voice? Writing quiets them. I told I was insane!
Anyway, I wanted to write to tell you I'm doing much better. Happier posts are on their way. Hurricane EE's birthday is tomorrow and so I can't wait to write about him! He is such an interesting character! And I've got some new random wonders to post as well. Thursday night was our Pages (my church's writing group) gathering - I've got some writing prompts to share. And I took a picture of my bracelet I've yet post.
Thank you for baring with me as I pour my sorrow into posts. I don't mean to bring you down if it does. But I want to share what grief looks like - at least what it looks like on me. I have such a strong calling (whether or not it's from God or me I've yet to determine) to be real and authentic in my writing. It isn't flowery or pretty most times. I hardly have any creativity in it. It's just there - all the junk, all the questions, all the quirkiness, and all my life. Well, all that I can share in such a public way! If you want all the dirt, ask to borrow my journal! Now that would be entertaining!
2 comments:
I was out of commission for a few days, computer-wise. Gave my work computer 4 days worth of viruses that are still baffling the annoyed IT guy. I'm not using Facebook or anything right now. And here I am on blogspot because I honestly can't go without reading the things you write, and I'll apparently risk getting fired to do it... Seriously, I miss not reading posts when I can't get to the site.
Your posts are not depressing - I'd say many of your readers, including myself, cry when they read them. But I'm sure many of your readers need to know we can bear ourselves to our loving God, even when we can't find the "loving" part in "loving God". And as I've said many times, it's a trigger to pray for you, your brother and her family.
Beyond all that - if you're anything like me, you NEED to write this stuff out. And having others read it, see it, share in it in some distant ways, makes writing it even MORE powerful. I can't keep these things inside of me, I would go crazy. And often talking about them does nothing either. It's not until I can make the thoughts SOLID, put them somewhere, like this blog, that they get out or are easier to handle. Going back and reading what you wrote almost validates you, or makes you seem less crazy, more organized in your mind than you thought. And you can sometimes move on for that day.
Keep writing.
Thank you and AMEN sista. So true.
Post a Comment