Red Little Devils And Angels With Halos

I'm going to try to make this post short because I'm tired. I'm tired of thinking, I'm tired of this neck and shoulder pain that keeps me up at night (as well as all the thinking), and I just want life to go back to normal - but what is that?

I was forced to listen to a song in church (though not forced to sing) on Sunday called "What A Friend We Have In Jesus." I'm sure most of us has heard this song before. It was like a reproach to me, listening to that song. And the refrain that kept coming back to me was "take it to the Lord in prayer", which was repeated time after time - it was quite annoying!

The sermon was on Jesus' wilderness experience before he went into his ministry. I didn't take much from the sermon, but what I did take was important and fit into a bigger message the Lord's been trying to get through to me.

I don't know how much spiritual warfare is part of my life (I wish I knew more about spiritual warfare), part of my thinking and attitude, but my pastor reminded me that there is such a thing as "spam from hell". And I have to consider, what questions, what attitudes, am I focusing on that is from the pit rather than from above? Just who am I being influenced by? Why am I wrestling so much inside? Why must I fight so hard against the one who is my beloved? Why am I not calling Satan out and condemning him?

I am far from being on the other side of all this grief and pain. There are moments, sometimes days, that I would rather focus on questions and attitudes that can never be fully answered in a way that would bring me ultimate peace and satisfaction, just so that I would be distracted from the sorrow of missing my friend and the reality of living a life here on earth without her, without her beside my brother. I'm trading one kind of anguish for another. But with one, I'm pushing my Creator away. And that can't possible bring me peace and rest.

One other part of the bigger message was a post from Deb's blog. Check it out HERE. The quote was astounding. It made me realize that I don't need to have the answers to all my questions. God's shown me that dwelling on all these questions is creating a tension that I can physically feel in the pain of my shoulders and neck. These questions and attitudes keep me from him, and I don't really want that. My focus right now is simple, he is my beloved. I believe this from deep within. And so, if he is my beloved, than ultimately I will trust him. There are some things that are just a mystery, and I'm okay with that. For today. And hopefully tomorrow. Oh, by the way, Deb wasn't referring to me in that post, although I had to wonder if we met together and I just forgot about it - it fit so well.

I believe it's only in experiencing the death of a loved one that we can finally understand the devastating consequence of sin. How God hates death! Here's an interesting quote from C.S. Lewis:

Sometimes it is hard not to say, 'God forgive God.' Sometimes it is hard to say so much. But if our faith is true, He didn't. He crucified Him.

It feels wrong to feel this way, but I am so overwhelmed and thankful he did.

In all reality, Michelle died in the best way possible. If one has to experience death, God mercifully granted her a gentle passing. And if a family has to go through a horrific jolt in losing a loved one tragically, his way for us was gentle and lovingly planned. From my friend Kori who happened to work that night in the ER and was assigned to us to help us through, to the coroner who was gentle and empathetic and took her time explaining everything to us. God granted safety to my brother, sis-in-law, and their kids while they made one intense trip from Indiana, and He was present in the week following as funeral preparations and all the details everything fell into place. He gave peace to a woman who had lost her husband in an accident a couple years ago by granting her desire to talk to someone who also lost their spouse in an accident. This lady lived by the accident scene and it was her sons that helped Dan and Michelle that evening. She found Dan at the scene a couple days after the accident and had gone out to him. Dan was blessed by what she had to say.

And who knows what else might happen through our loss? The story's not over yet. But let me tell you, it was hard writing that last paragraph. I have devils and angels galore on my shoulders. The devils are countering all my statements with statements of their own. And part of me can't help but be pulled in their direction too.

Lazarus got a raw deal. He was pulled from heaven to inhabit decaying flesh and bones once more, to experience earthly life in all it's blurred imperfections, to die a second time. He must have felt like Adam and Eve when they experienced life outside the garden. How can you go from heaven back to earth? But Jesus did.

And, if we had the power to, would we want to pull Michelle away from the home she was created for? Ahhh, the devils are outbursting.

So much for a short post.