My Bird Friends

I definitely have drifted over the looney line to join my mom. We love our hummingbirds. We look forward to their arrival every spring. We track their flight up from Mexico on the Internet. We set out their food a month early - just in case. When they come, we talk to them. We say hello to our friends by name. Sometimes you wanna go, where everybody knows your name. And they're always glad you came. Oops, sorry. Another mom moment.

I am concerned about our squirrels though. They are up to no good. About eight of them have targeted a certain tree in our front yard (one of my gentlemen trees) and are chewing off the little limbs where they glide down through the canopy and land on the ground. I think the squirrels are harvesting timber for the fort they intend to make. Perhaps they are fed up with being attacked by bb guns. I must keep my eye on them - they are rascals those squirrels are. We need to be on the watchout for any weapons they acquire - who is their supplier?

The Book I'm Reading Now

I went to the library today to attempt to borrow a book that would amuse me for a few days. None of the adult books looked good and I found myself drawn to the kiddie section. Of course, it probably is no surprise to you that I would pick a book out with a first sentence "If you are interested in stories with happy endings, you would be better off reading some other book." He goes on to write, "In this book, not only is there no happy ending, there is no happy beginning and very few happy things in the middle." Sounds like my kind of book if you ask me! This movie came out a year or so ago and I remember the commercials for it. It kind of interested me like a spider does; I'm horrified but drawn to it. I never did rent the movie. Here is the link to the author's (Lemony Snicket - you gotta love that name, I'm sure it's real, don't you think?) website, it's entertaining. LINK. And I'm almost halfway through - so I can feel confident in recommending it to you.

Rebellious Behavior

The following is the May written assignment I wrote for Pages - our church writing group.

I've always wanted to rebel in an out and out way - in the prodigal son style. But I never had the guts. Don't think I didn't rebel though. I did. There is more than one style of rebellion - just ask the prodigal son's brother. I've always felt bad for that guy. His brother had all the fun without paying fully the consequence while he worked hard at home, stayed loyal, and obeyed his father. He seemed to get the raw end of the deal in that story. No guts no glory I guess. In my mind, he carried a chip on his shoulder. The prodigal son's rebellion ended the day he returned. That was the day the brother's rebellion seeped from his heart to his mind. At least that's how I imagine the story. Like my own rebellion, his rebellion would be quiet and so deep he wouldn't be aware of it till much later. And perhaps, like in my own story, God would bring him back by allowing pain to invade his life.

My testimony is boring. As a kid I asked Jesus into my heart so many times that I started to annoy the angels. I can't remember a time when I didn't believe in God and loved to learn about him. And, if I do say so myself, I was a model daughter - if you overlook a few adolescent years where my mouth got me into trouble with my mom. I blame my unrebellion on my friends. They weren't bad enough. If bad company corrupts good character, I was hanging out with the wrong gang. My friends were mostly high achievers, nose to the grindstone type gals, smart things they were. I don't know why any of those qualities didn't rub off on me. I was a squeaky clean teen. I was a pastor's daughter, highly involved in the church, sang in chorus from 5th through 12th grade, and even played the classical guitar! I stood by the pole on national prayer day. I walked miles to school through rain, sleet, and hail. They don't cancel school because the sidewalks are too icy.

I always envied the amazing and dramatic stories of those who rebelled in the prodigal son way. Because part of me wanted to too.

Eventually and inevitably, my love for the Lord grew cold as duty and arrogance overtook it's place. God used a miscarriage, a series of strange illnesses, a few good friends, a couple of good books, this church, and my mentor to bring me back to him. He intentionally pursued me. I have never been closer or have felt such intimacy with him as I have in these last couple of years.

This past year I've been in a place of waiting. God's been wooing me with his love, whispering promises, and preparing my heart during this time. I've know that soon, many things that I've counted on and felt secure in could and would change. "Bring it on," I told God. "I'll follow your lead."

I got angry with him a couple months ago due to my frustration of having to wait so long. Patience was never a natural quality of mine. I knew change was about to begin - I could feel it, it was so close. I just didn't know any of the details. Lack of control tends to drive me crazy. Finally he told me to lighten up, have some fun, enjoy my loved ones.

Two weeks and five evenings ago, as spring was ushered in by the presummer heat and the leaves filled the trees as the flowers bloomed, my childhood friend, who also happens to be my sis-in-law, died in a motorcycle accident. My time of waiting ended in the hospital that night. Who would have imagined that the change I so longed for was this?

Now God stands in the middle of pain and grief and he's holding his arms out to me. He's asking me to come to him. I've been avoiding him for nearly 3 weeks. Our relationship has a different feel to it. Rebellion is an option. My anger wants to take it. But I know I won't. I know I'll meet him there, in the unknown. I know this because I know him. He loves me. He will never let go of me. And he always keeps his promises.

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I believe fully that God has his reason for taking Michelle. We will never know all of them on this side of heaven. But I am convinced that good will be brought about in the lives of all who were impacted with a relationship with her and have a relationship with the Lord, and even those who hear about the Lord because of her death. God's weaving his story in each of our lives. It's beautiful, adventurous, painful, and joyful. Michelle's life & death are only part of his plan.

A Struggle

I feel like I am insane. My thoughts are all over the place and I'm even more contradicting than normal. I'm struggling with the concepts of an eternal life vs. a physical life and the transition between. How one living, breathing, emotional, intellectual, spiritual human being can be present with us, doing life with us, and then in an instant the body fails - something gets smacked too hard and the brain can't function anymore. That human life, the emotional, intellectual, relational life, is now dead and gone. We're left to say our goodbyes to a body that was once our friend, our wife, our daughter, our sister. Her eyes are closed, her skin is cold, and what's left of her voice is only found in our memories. How does life move on? The weird thing is - it does. But everything is clouded over with a heaviness. Every few minutes the realization that she's gone hits us in the face all over again. And for an instant, before the mind can close in on itself and the numbness folds over again, that realization causes shocking pain.

I've always believed in God. Jesus Christ is my Savior. If we believe in Him, He promises that when we die we'll go to heaven, a place He's designed especially for us. I've hit a spiritual growth spurt in these recent years and have never felt closer to my Lord. He has seemed more real to me in these last few years than at any other time in my life. I'm not a baby Christain.

So why do I question an afterlife? Why do I wonder about whether it is indeed true we are eternal beings? And more importantly, why can't I accept that God is God? He can disrupt our lives in this way if it pleases Him. Who are we to be exempt from the consequences of the Fall? Bodies fail because of the curse that sin brought about. Why is this so shocking?

And the bigger picture - in my head I remind myself of a higher perspective. Why do I sink back down into my own - ever changing as it is?

How did Job do it? How did Job do it?

A Time For Camping

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Get your own

This past weekend my family and hubby's sister's family went on our 1st camping trip of the season. We went to a campground right along the river - our campsites had a beautiful view, and the kids spent much of their time fishing. I had been looking forward to camping season since winter and never would have imagined the sadness and stress that could surround and invade it. But we also had a sweet, fun, and relaxing time.

Word of warning though. Never trust the Lady In The GPS around rivers if there is a ferry boat involved. She will want to take you over it, she will be stubborn if you choose to take another way due to the inactivity of the ferry boat, and she will hold a grudge.

A Public Thank You To The Burger King Robber

Dear Burger King Robber,

I just want to thank you for giving me a good chuckle this afternoon. Your discriminating taste in only robbing Burger Kings has brought a much needed smile to my face. I get you Burger king Robber. I get you. Go with the simple plan. Stick to it.

My only criticism, if I may, is that you didn't choose a more pricier fast food restaurant such as Arbey's. Surely you would have hit pay dirt there. But I understand - onion rings come first. I only hope you demanded a meal to go.

Your fellow Feltian (I used to be your neighbor before you moved to the jail),
Emily

Redirecting

I have opened up my poetry blog for anyone to read. I'll probably write in that one a little more often for now, although I don't know how often. It's called Within Your Embrace.

Thanks for your prayers. This week has been one of the slowest weeks in our lives, but it has been peaceful also. God is only just beginning to weave a beautiful story out of this horrific sadness. My brother is inspiring. We love him dearly.