What's WRONG With Me?

Goodness, where do I begin?

I think I'll invite you in on a journaling session. I'll be talking with you and the Lord, but mostly the Lord.

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I'm not connecting with you like I've been able to long ago. It seems like long ago. Before the new reality began. We talk briefly, I listen in spurts. I catch Chuck on the radio for 15 minutes on Mondays and Tuesdays.

I know you're beside me, but mostly, you've been quiet.

There was a time when I spent precious quiet moments with you, leaning my head against the window, soaking in the quietness and sun. There was a time when I journaled, dug deep, listened for your voice and invitation. Looked for your romances. There was a time when I had opened myself up to you, when I asked to see what you see.

But that was another life. I'm caught between two. I'm stuck in transition. And I'm floundering. I'm so tired.

I find myself crying without any warning. I get impatient, frustrated, and impertinent with the kids. I'm overstepping my authority. I'm loving one moment and unloving the very next.

There are a few reasons for this.

I never was one to size up reality quickly and accurately. It's only been three months since I've started this job. And in all honesty, I might as well be working full-time. I actually thought I'd have a schedule and routine down by now. That life's new "normal" would fit like a cotton t-shirt.

What a stupid expectation!

I'm all smiles during the day, giving my best to people I don't know but I enjoy. I work hard. I'm on my feet most of the time. My mind is on over-drive, trying to absorb all the medical information, insurance information, equipment information, note-taking information, pre-op, post-op, and office visit care, anticipating what might be needed, & praying I don't make a mistake and embarrass myself. I love it, I'm scared of it, I'm frustrated by it, I'm gaining self-confidence all the while feeling completely stupid and useless at times.

When I get home from work, I immediately swing into supper mode. I don't even pee first. I clean off the table, quickly review school papers, prepare and serve supper. Hubby's been learning how to help with the meals - he's been such a big help. After supper, it's clean-up time. Then, because it's usually around 7pm, the kids have a snack. They prepare for bed, read a little, and by 8:00 to 8:30 they are in bed for the night. Somewhere between 7 and 11 I finally am able to scub off & wash out fungal nail debris from my body and hair. Right now I have a load of clean laundry that's been sitting out, waiting to be folded since Saturday, 4 days ago. Nobody wants to fold the white laundry. It sucks - too many socks and one fitted sheet - how the hell does one fold a fitted sheet? (Oops! I was talking to the readers Lord, I forgot myself). I fed the bunny and gave her water yesterday, now Little Miss' room smells slightly of ammonia and rabbit pellets dot the floor - is the thing throwing her poop out of her cage? The wooden window frames need to be cleaned, the moisture is growing black stuff - could that be mold? Lord, I've been sneezing lately. I think it's mold. I haven't cleaned my bathroom thoroughly in over 2 weeks, possibly 4. I would love to organize a few closets, but if I have the time - I don't have the energy. I get home from work and my mind is fried - completely fried. I sit at this computer and blog about silly stupid stuff because I can't think straight. I cheated at Twisted Crazy Talk Tuesdays friends. (Lord, you already know this). I had to use my handy Random House dictionary! You would think with that useful tool, I'd be able to come up with better stuff!

I'm too tired to be messed with. I don't want to get you ice-cream or pick through your hair. I don't want to change your pillow case because your wet hair (that I didn't blow dry) made your pillow case damp. I don't want to pray with you tonight because I just want to sit down and veg. My level of patience was never really high in normal conditions. Oh Lord, you've seen the destruction my tongue has dished out. Can you see how frustrating this is for me friends? Moments with family are a blessing and can be wasted too easily because I tend to view the everyday as mundane. I see how important it is to hold tightly to each moment I have with my family because life can change in an instant. And the last memory is haunting. I know this too well now. But I still struggle. Why can't I be a better mommy and wife?

Why can't I be a better mommy and wife?

I'm not sitting enough with you Lord. I'm not quieting myself before you often. I'm not in your Word enough. But I'm trying. I'm trying.

And this grief thing - it's switching itself up on me. Out-of-the-blue I'll start crying. I'm missing Michelle more and more. I'm remembering our fun times together more often. It still surprises me that someone I love is gone. How terrible it is to be blind-sided like that. One moment I'm sitting at our fire pit, the next moment I'm leaning over my friend in a hospital ER bed, embracing my brother, dropping tears on her still body. My mind can't fully comprehend it, 9 months after.

I'm in transition. A transition from being a stay-at-home mom to a mommy working outside the home. A transition from finding quiet time with the Lord in the mornings to - - I'm still trying to figure that one out. A transition from one scene of grief to another, and preparing to transition if and when hubby changes careers. Where is "the waiting" now? Long gone my friends, long gone.