What Sparked The Fire?

Motherhood.

This is not the post where I share how much I love being a mother and how much I love my kids. This is not a post in which I'll describe the cute day to day goings on with my children.

I'm just going to assume you already know how much I love my kids, that I would find great satisfaction in killing anyone who tried to harm them. That cute day to day goings on do bring pleasure to my soul each day. Please keep this in mind as you read on. Because in just a bit, it's going to seem like I'm contradicting myself.

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There was a time in my life when I did not want kids. I wanted to travel and write and support myself just enough to survive where ever I was. Maybe my type of personality would have been a better match for that kind of lifestyle. I don't know.

I don't know why some of us women are mothers and some of us aren't. Some women who have children never really asked for them. Some women try desperately for years to have a child and can't. I guess nature bears some responsibility. We were built to have little ones - it's part of God's design. We were built with ways to prevent pregnancy as well, it's a miracle we are even able to conceive at all. And as with much of our sorrow, general sin has a role to play as well. Thanks Adam! (It really was his fault anyway!) And over everything is God's sovereignty.

I never thought motherhood would be all fun and games. Truly I didn't. I knew it would be work and sacrifice - a thankless job. But what I didn't bargain for was how much I wouldn't enjoy it. I thought that I would have made a better mom. This humbles me. I am not the mother I wish I could be - I don't even think I come close.

But God's reminding me right now - who am I comparing myself to? And I get his point. Most times I forget it though and fall into the same trap that I've fallen into for years. Comparing myself to other mothers.

There are so many good mothers out there - and I seem to be surrounded by a lot of them. They actually like being mommies. It comes naturally to them, this motherhood thing. I don't mind the mommies who are naturally good at being mommies. I'm amazed by them. I'm perplexed. I'd like to examine them under my microscope. What kind of woman is this woman who naturally succeeds at motherhood with grace, love, creativity, and discipline?

But, not too long ago, these mothers, not all of them (not my friends - don't worry friends), would piss me off. Some mothers put up a "good mommy" facade, some mothers never talk about anything but their children (when I just wanted to forget I had them). They do not show their real selves - and anybody who hides their real self to me tends to piss me off. I don't need to know their appalling life story, but I don't want glossy fake fluff either. Just give me you. (that way I can feel better about me! - kidding, kidding).

Most of the time I understand that my personality and character cannot change into this kind of "natural mother" type woman. God did not make me like that. I'm not a natural! I'm an implant! But that's God's fault and not mine - I believe that he intended I become a mother. Not because he thought I'd make a good mother, but because he thought it would make me a good woman (just ask Leslie).

I guess he knew what he was doing. And thank goodness his children are ultimately in his hands. I don't think I'll screw them up too much, I really do try to be a good mommy. And I seek his guidance. That's a good start.

I can hear you reader, I can hear you shaking your head and saying to the computer, "Emily, you're a good mother." (I'm fooling myself aren't I? You're actually nodding your head in agreement with me so far - you know me too well by now! Don't worry, I'm not hurt by your honest assessment).

It would have been much easier if I stayed single and had no children. My personality loves myself enough to keep me entertained. I love my alone time. Do you remember my strongest quality according to the 100+ question test and book "Strength Finders" by Tom Rath? It is intellection - more specifically - I am my own best friend. I think I'm like a cat. If what I understand from my cat owning friends is true, cats don't need much affection and attention. They don't need much interaction. They dictate when and how much they need. That's me.

Here it is, the honest ugly dark truth of this post. Motherhood sucks the life out of me, and my kids are the leeches. I take it as a personal assault every time they come to me in some sort of need - ten thousand times a day. I love my leeches readers, they're beautiful, fun, kind-hearted, spirited, & passionate leeches. But they're leeches just the same.

It's getting easier, a bit, (now that they're in school all day and the teacher has to put up with them). They're getting more independent. I'm trying to learn what they can do for themselves, many times I assume they need me more than they actually do. They think they need me more than they actually do because that's what I think. But they're growing up now, and they need to acquire a bit more independence. Then, at least this is my theory, they might build some needed self - confidence. And now that I'm working and hubby might have a different work schedule in a few months, the need for them to have more responsibility and independence will be greater.

I think many mothers would read this and throw a fit. How can you call your babies "leeches!" (They did gain sustenance from my body for half a year - so I'm not too far off the mark). And I'm being real my friends. I know I can't be the only woman out there who is not a natural mother, who struggles with it more than she feels successful with it. And this is for those mothers. You're not the only one who feels this way! You are loving, just like me. We love our babies dearly. I just find it hard to express that, to let myself enjoy them long enough for them to know I'm enjoying them. My Sista from another Mista always reminds me to hug and kiss my husband at the end of our hour+ phone conversations. She knows I tend to forget - just because that's not who I am. I'm not the affectionate one. Hubby is. It's somewhat easier with the kids - at least it's easier with Little Miss. Hurricane EE is just like me, we are stiff. (I'm getting better - he has a long way to go). But he just smiles and glows when I hug and kiss and tickle him!

Being a mommy has brought me to the brink of insanity. Bi-Polar is right Leslie. Except, my other sista from another mista has told me that I'd most likely suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder (read that post HERE).

I have to agree with her.