Late Night Musings

What a day! Not in a busy crazy kind of way, but in a "holy cow, when will it stop" kind of way. We've received another 2 ft. to add to our existing 2 ft. of snow today. And tomorrow we'll have blizzard winds resulting in much snow driftage. Needless to say, I will not be going to work again tomorrow. I will not be going anywhere tomorrow. I'll be staying put, doing laundry, cleaning bathrooms (with the kids help), and packing for our long ski weekend trip. We're renting a house this time, a really nice house I should add, for our annual President's weekend ski trip to the "mountains". We'll be staying with Hubby's sister and brother and their families - and we all can't wait! However, with all this amazing snow, our one highway was closed today. They hoped to have it reopened by tonight - so hopefully this is so.

Hubby tried to open up our driveway completely, but only got 2/3rds of it done. I don't even know if our road has been touched by a plow today, so we were not going anyway even if he did manage to clear it completely. We are running low on snacks and on breakfast items. I sipped my final glass of wine this evening. I do, however, have a large bag of frozen chopped spinach. Don't ask me what I was thinking when I bought it - and yes, it was me who bought it. Things will have to get really bad before I break into that bag! I also just started a really thick and disturbing book - so I count myself fortunate. It's called, The Kindly Ones by Jonathan Littell. It's about a man who was involved in the Nazi regime during WW11. He writes decades after of his experience. He is responsible for killing many (I don't know how many yet) people. I've read about 50 of the 975 pages. I love a good thick book - how can a good writer write an interesting story in under 200 pages? I've little use for a book like that - it would last me 1/2 a day. However, this book might be a little too long - especially if it's dark and disturbing as it seems to be promising me it is.

Little Miss seems to be developing a cough (sorry Sista D, she'll most likely expose the cousins to it this coming weekend). But thank goodness that's all it is. I hope the swine flu doesn't come back 'round like "they're" saying it will. I have a feeling that once it gets warmer, we'll start hearing about all kinds of illnesses again. And we've had a rough time of it so far (in comparison to previous years).

I think I'm sufficiantly tired now. I'm going to bed. Maybe.

I'll Be Home For ...

... Summer.

It took me about 3 hrs. to get home from work this evening - and no, I did not work in New York City today. Just York city. Good ol' York, where a million people travel on the same road as I do at the same time that I do headed in the same direction as I do. Just at a very slow pace because of the snow storm and the fact that they are not as courageous as I am. All day I was worried about traveling home in the predicted snow storm. Then the time came for me to embark on my homeward journey and I reached the high speed of - almost 5 mph. Bumper to Bumper crawling and stopping. Stupid people. If you're so afraid of driving, than DON'T! I only had a sandwich bag half full of crackers and a drop of Coke to hold me over (I had to think of the Haitian man who survived on beer and cookies - how I envied his feast). Half way into my adventure, my stomach decided to let me know that the crackers were not enough. I needed meat and I needed meat now. And a bottle of wine (which I am now sipping from - a glass, not the whole bottle).

It's almost 10pm and I still need to get my bath. So I'm going to leave you for now my friends, and hopefully return to you sometime tomorrow. I will not be working tomorrow due to the crazy snow storm. This gives me time to do laundry and pack for the weekend mountain ski trip.

Where are we going to put all this snow?

Wishing All My Friends Had ...

... blogs.

I love stories. And I love to see how God is working in my friends lives. Maybe it's because sometimes - sometimes it's easier to see him at work in other people's lives more so than my own. Sometimes. But I love stories. And I love my friends. So why don't you create a blog and write your story? For me? Please? I don't follow too many blogs. I don't follow many blogs because so many of my friends don't have one. Forget Facebook - come over to the blog side.

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Okay, enough hounding. It's time for some fun. Here is a movie I can't wait to see again. I think my kids would get a huge kick out of it. Do you remember Ernest? Ernest Goes To Camp, Ernest Goes To Jail, Ernest Saves Christmas ... ? Check out this spoof to spark your memory.

Take Over Me (again and again and again ... )

In C.S. Lewis' book, The Screwtape Letters, there is an intriguing correspondense that takes place between a demon and his apprentice. The apprentice shares with his mentor his success in leading a young believer away from his faith. He is celebratory and prideful of his accomplishment. The reply that his mentor gives him is interesting and very revealing of the true nature of evil's lack of eternal power and God's ultimate sovereignty and the promise he gives his children. The mentor writes back to his apprentice, telling him that he might have been successful this time, but that the annoying habit of believers is this - they always return to their Maker. The best that they can do is to help them walk away, but they cannot prevent them from returning to the Lord.

It is so frustrating to me when I walk away, even briefly. I berate myself. I feel like I'm disappointing God and that he's displeased with me. Maybe this is part of Satan's attack. He might not be able to prevent us from returning to the Lord, but he can manipulate how we view God's response. Disappoint God? Wouldn't that indicate a lack of knowledge that I would walk away to begin with? Nothing I do could surprise him. And he forgave me of everything way back in the beginning. Did the father of the prodical son feel displeasure? He was celebratory! He was loving! He was inviting! He was joyous!

Over and over and over again. I walk away. Over and over and over again, I return. This will continue, this cyclical behavior, until I die. That's the result of the Fall, and that's the power of His Love. "... I am only closer and closer to where I want to be." This pattern is not circular, it's a spiral. Closer and closer to Him.

Oh how I love him because he first loved me. How I love him because he is beyond comprehension.

What Sparked The Fire?

Motherhood.

This is not the post where I share how much I love being a mother and how much I love my kids. This is not a post in which I'll describe the cute day to day goings on with my children.

I'm just going to assume you already know how much I love my kids, that I would find great satisfaction in killing anyone who tried to harm them. That cute day to day goings on do bring pleasure to my soul each day. Please keep this in mind as you read on. Because in just a bit, it's going to seem like I'm contradicting myself.

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There was a time in my life when I did not want kids. I wanted to travel and write and support myself just enough to survive where ever I was. Maybe my type of personality would have been a better match for that kind of lifestyle. I don't know.

I don't know why some of us women are mothers and some of us aren't. Some women who have children never really asked for them. Some women try desperately for years to have a child and can't. I guess nature bears some responsibility. We were built to have little ones - it's part of God's design. We were built with ways to prevent pregnancy as well, it's a miracle we are even able to conceive at all. And as with much of our sorrow, general sin has a role to play as well. Thanks Adam! (It really was his fault anyway!) And over everything is God's sovereignty.

I never thought motherhood would be all fun and games. Truly I didn't. I knew it would be work and sacrifice - a thankless job. But what I didn't bargain for was how much I wouldn't enjoy it. I thought that I would have made a better mom. This humbles me. I am not the mother I wish I could be - I don't even think I come close.

But God's reminding me right now - who am I comparing myself to? And I get his point. Most times I forget it though and fall into the same trap that I've fallen into for years. Comparing myself to other mothers.

There are so many good mothers out there - and I seem to be surrounded by a lot of them. They actually like being mommies. It comes naturally to them, this motherhood thing. I don't mind the mommies who are naturally good at being mommies. I'm amazed by them. I'm perplexed. I'd like to examine them under my microscope. What kind of woman is this woman who naturally succeeds at motherhood with grace, love, creativity, and discipline?

But, not too long ago, these mothers, not all of them (not my friends - don't worry friends), would piss me off. Some mothers put up a "good mommy" facade, some mothers never talk about anything but their children (when I just wanted to forget I had them). They do not show their real selves - and anybody who hides their real self to me tends to piss me off. I don't need to know their appalling life story, but I don't want glossy fake fluff either. Just give me you. (that way I can feel better about me! - kidding, kidding).

Most of the time I understand that my personality and character cannot change into this kind of "natural mother" type woman. God did not make me like that. I'm not a natural! I'm an implant! But that's God's fault and not mine - I believe that he intended I become a mother. Not because he thought I'd make a good mother, but because he thought it would make me a good woman (just ask Leslie).

I guess he knew what he was doing. And thank goodness his children are ultimately in his hands. I don't think I'll screw them up too much, I really do try to be a good mommy. And I seek his guidance. That's a good start.

I can hear you reader, I can hear you shaking your head and saying to the computer, "Emily, you're a good mother." (I'm fooling myself aren't I? You're actually nodding your head in agreement with me so far - you know me too well by now! Don't worry, I'm not hurt by your honest assessment).

It would have been much easier if I stayed single and had no children. My personality loves myself enough to keep me entertained. I love my alone time. Do you remember my strongest quality according to the 100+ question test and book "Strength Finders" by Tom Rath? It is intellection - more specifically - I am my own best friend. I think I'm like a cat. If what I understand from my cat owning friends is true, cats don't need much affection and attention. They don't need much interaction. They dictate when and how much they need. That's me.

Here it is, the honest ugly dark truth of this post. Motherhood sucks the life out of me, and my kids are the leeches. I take it as a personal assault every time they come to me in some sort of need - ten thousand times a day. I love my leeches readers, they're beautiful, fun, kind-hearted, spirited, & passionate leeches. But they're leeches just the same.

It's getting easier, a bit, (now that they're in school all day and the teacher has to put up with them). They're getting more independent. I'm trying to learn what they can do for themselves, many times I assume they need me more than they actually do. They think they need me more than they actually do because that's what I think. But they're growing up now, and they need to acquire a bit more independence. Then, at least this is my theory, they might build some needed self - confidence. And now that I'm working and hubby might have a different work schedule in a few months, the need for them to have more responsibility and independence will be greater.

I think many mothers would read this and throw a fit. How can you call your babies "leeches!" (They did gain sustenance from my body for half a year - so I'm not too far off the mark). And I'm being real my friends. I know I can't be the only woman out there who is not a natural mother, who struggles with it more than she feels successful with it. And this is for those mothers. You're not the only one who feels this way! You are loving, just like me. We love our babies dearly. I just find it hard to express that, to let myself enjoy them long enough for them to know I'm enjoying them. My Sista from another Mista always reminds me to hug and kiss my husband at the end of our hour+ phone conversations. She knows I tend to forget - just because that's not who I am. I'm not the affectionate one. Hubby is. It's somewhat easier with the kids - at least it's easier with Little Miss. Hurricane EE is just like me, we are stiff. (I'm getting better - he has a long way to go). But he just smiles and glows when I hug and kiss and tickle him!

Being a mommy has brought me to the brink of insanity. Bi-Polar is right Leslie. Except, my other sista from another mista has told me that I'd most likely suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder (read that post HERE).

I have to agree with her.

What's WRONG With Me?

Goodness, where do I begin?

I think I'll invite you in on a journaling session. I'll be talking with you and the Lord, but mostly the Lord.

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I'm not connecting with you like I've been able to long ago. It seems like long ago. Before the new reality began. We talk briefly, I listen in spurts. I catch Chuck on the radio for 15 minutes on Mondays and Tuesdays.

I know you're beside me, but mostly, you've been quiet.

There was a time when I spent precious quiet moments with you, leaning my head against the window, soaking in the quietness and sun. There was a time when I journaled, dug deep, listened for your voice and invitation. Looked for your romances. There was a time when I had opened myself up to you, when I asked to see what you see.

But that was another life. I'm caught between two. I'm stuck in transition. And I'm floundering. I'm so tired.

I find myself crying without any warning. I get impatient, frustrated, and impertinent with the kids. I'm overstepping my authority. I'm loving one moment and unloving the very next.

There are a few reasons for this.

I never was one to size up reality quickly and accurately. It's only been three months since I've started this job. And in all honesty, I might as well be working full-time. I actually thought I'd have a schedule and routine down by now. That life's new "normal" would fit like a cotton t-shirt.

What a stupid expectation!

I'm all smiles during the day, giving my best to people I don't know but I enjoy. I work hard. I'm on my feet most of the time. My mind is on over-drive, trying to absorb all the medical information, insurance information, equipment information, note-taking information, pre-op, post-op, and office visit care, anticipating what might be needed, & praying I don't make a mistake and embarrass myself. I love it, I'm scared of it, I'm frustrated by it, I'm gaining self-confidence all the while feeling completely stupid and useless at times.

When I get home from work, I immediately swing into supper mode. I don't even pee first. I clean off the table, quickly review school papers, prepare and serve supper. Hubby's been learning how to help with the meals - he's been such a big help. After supper, it's clean-up time. Then, because it's usually around 7pm, the kids have a snack. They prepare for bed, read a little, and by 8:00 to 8:30 they are in bed for the night. Somewhere between 7 and 11 I finally am able to scub off & wash out fungal nail debris from my body and hair. Right now I have a load of clean laundry that's been sitting out, waiting to be folded since Saturday, 4 days ago. Nobody wants to fold the white laundry. It sucks - too many socks and one fitted sheet - how the hell does one fold a fitted sheet? (Oops! I was talking to the readers Lord, I forgot myself). I fed the bunny and gave her water yesterday, now Little Miss' room smells slightly of ammonia and rabbit pellets dot the floor - is the thing throwing her poop out of her cage? The wooden window frames need to be cleaned, the moisture is growing black stuff - could that be mold? Lord, I've been sneezing lately. I think it's mold. I haven't cleaned my bathroom thoroughly in over 2 weeks, possibly 4. I would love to organize a few closets, but if I have the time - I don't have the energy. I get home from work and my mind is fried - completely fried. I sit at this computer and blog about silly stupid stuff because I can't think straight. I cheated at Twisted Crazy Talk Tuesdays friends. (Lord, you already know this). I had to use my handy Random House dictionary! You would think with that useful tool, I'd be able to come up with better stuff!

I'm too tired to be messed with. I don't want to get you ice-cream or pick through your hair. I don't want to change your pillow case because your wet hair (that I didn't blow dry) made your pillow case damp. I don't want to pray with you tonight because I just want to sit down and veg. My level of patience was never really high in normal conditions. Oh Lord, you've seen the destruction my tongue has dished out. Can you see how frustrating this is for me friends? Moments with family are a blessing and can be wasted too easily because I tend to view the everyday as mundane. I see how important it is to hold tightly to each moment I have with my family because life can change in an instant. And the last memory is haunting. I know this too well now. But I still struggle. Why can't I be a better mommy and wife?

Why can't I be a better mommy and wife?

I'm not sitting enough with you Lord. I'm not quieting myself before you often. I'm not in your Word enough. But I'm trying. I'm trying.

And this grief thing - it's switching itself up on me. Out-of-the-blue I'll start crying. I'm missing Michelle more and more. I'm remembering our fun times together more often. It still surprises me that someone I love is gone. How terrible it is to be blind-sided like that. One moment I'm sitting at our fire pit, the next moment I'm leaning over my friend in a hospital ER bed, embracing my brother, dropping tears on her still body. My mind can't fully comprehend it, 9 months after.

I'm in transition. A transition from being a stay-at-home mom to a mommy working outside the home. A transition from finding quiet time with the Lord in the mornings to - - I'm still trying to figure that one out. A transition from one scene of grief to another, and preparing to transition if and when hubby changes careers. Where is "the waiting" now? Long gone my friends, long gone.

Confusion In The Cerebral Cortex

If you would have been able to randomly eavesdrop in on my thoughts throughout today, perhaps you'd find those thoughts - - interesting. Clinically - interesting.

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• "If he IS actually 5 ft. 6 in., then I'm 5 ft. 6 in. too, and I know I'm only 5 ft. 2 3/4 in., so that means he must be lying."

• "OOPS! Not again!"

• "I don't want to cut the toes off."

• "I've been unsuccessful in growing a winter beard. The best I can do is a thin mustache."

• "Oh man, he saw his damn shadow."

• "Boy, this bag of rabbit food is heavy!"

• "I really need to start lifting the weights Dean The Physical Therapist gave me."

• "Mom would have thrown the buns away."

• "Oh, it's report card day!"

• "Tomorrow's going to be a day from hell."

• "Let it snow, Let it snow, Let it snow!"

• "I don't have the mind power to write well."

• "Is she drunk?"

• "Why is that kid riding his bicycle - it's dark out and it's snowing and he should be eating supper with his family. I would never let my kid out like that - where are the kid's parents? What are they thinking? Do they know where he is? Are they drunk?"

• "This guy has Mafia connections."

• "What a goober."

• "How does Little Miss do so well on her spelling tests? She has no academic ambitions."

• "A corn will go nicely right there."

• "Celebrations! I just successfully e-scripted a prescription!"

• "Who is Lorraine and was I in with her?"